Ginger Attack

What up world,

I was out of the loop for most of the weekend, but managed to follow the games through various cellular devices. I was fairly excited after Thursday and Friday's games. The Twins were back in first, winning against a good team. The White Sux were not playing particularly well against another good team. I decided to have a few scotchs to celebrate on Friday night, which lead to a bit of a hangover on Saturday for myself and for the Twins. After Saturday night's game, I was still alright. I was in the midst of a wedding reception, I had drunk off my hangover, and the Twins were still in first with the Chicago loss. Waking up on Sunday I had visions of watching the Twins winning the four game series while I contemplated throwing up for most of the afternoon.

Things were going exactly according to plan. The Twins were up for most of the game, the Sox were losing, and my stomach was rejecting almost everything that I ate. All of a sudden, things went completely craptastic with another bullpen meltdown, Vlad impaling, and AJ being his utmost bitchfull. At the end of the day, here were the standings.

White Sox: 74-55
Twins: 74-56
Games Back: 1/2
Number of times I threw up: 2

This got me to thinking, why can't the Twins get into first and just stay there? Can they ever build a bigger lead than a 1/2 game on the White Sox? Why do the Twins keep teasing us with spectacular play one day and descend into complete assiness the next? I dug in and did some research to answer some of these questions. Since August 12th, the Twins have never been more than a game ahead or behind the White Sox. They have played with our emotions, testing the very fiber of our soul. What happened on August 12th that would cause the Twins to do this? What could it be?

Oh my God. There is a ginger that has embedded itself into the Twin's organization. I thought that we had rid the Twins of this creature years ago. On August 12th, the Twins signed this ginger to a minor league contract, in hope that he will be able to provide some hitting against left-handed pitchers. This couldn't be farther from the truth. For those that are unaware of the danger that gingers present, here is a brief presentation by a well respected gingerologist.

Gingers require souls to compensate them for the lack of their own. Obviously this ginger (who we will refer to as Bobby Kielty) has begun to work on the souls of the Twins bullpen. He knows that there is nothing worse than losing in the late innings of a game. If he can successfully steal the souls of the bullpen, he knows that the souls of the Twin's batting order and pitching lineup will soon follow.

He is setting up the end of the season perfectly. I can already envision the White Sox coming to town for the final series of the year. All the Twins will have to do is win the series and they will advance to the postseason. We will have brought Kielty up from the minors to pinch hit against Buehrle or Danks or even Ramirez. Bases will be loaded and the ginger approaches the plate. After several fouls, he will hit into a double play and the end the Twins' chances to advance, thus stealing the souls of the entire organization as well as all of its fans.

He will be rich in souls, causing even more freckles and a further reddening of his hair. I'm not sure that the Twins will be able to recover from this. Please Bill Smith, don't let this happen. Follow the Cubs lead in the expulsion of redheads. They cut Matt "Captain Ginger" Murton early in the season, and look what has happened since then. The Cubs are the best team in the National League and are completely gingervitus free.

As a warning the following images may not be suitable for young children. Gingers have been known to haunt dreams.


-Sota