Monday, March 30, 2009

Belle of the Ball

What up world,

Mike Miller continues to defy the wishes of CoacHale and the rest of the Timberwolves faithful, scoring 22 points to lead the team to victory on Sunday over the New Jersey Nets. After nearly a full season of being awful, Miller decided that he would catch on fire for the last couple of weeks to further torment the Timberwolves fans.

Why Mike? Why would you do this? Currently we are 6th in the race for worst team in the league. Here are the current standings:

Washington: 17 and 58
Sacramento: 16 and 56
LA Clippers: 18 and 56
Memphis: 18 and 54
Oklahoma City: 20 and 53
Minnesota: 21 and 53

We can still dramatically improve our draft status with a couple of weeks of garbage. Randy Foye is on board. He sat out the game with a hip issue. Craig Smith sat out as well. Why do you feel the need to center of attention, Mike? Why do you need the spotlight to constantly be on your flowing locks?

That's it! That can be the only explanation. Mike Miller is a craven, obsessed attention hog. Ever since he lost the Mitchell, South Dakota Homecoming Queen title to Cindy Phillips in 1998, Mike has been trying to capture the attention of everyone around him. Even though he occasionally hit some big shots at the University of Florida, his butch hair cut was often rebuffed by his male suitors.



Even after growing out his hair to shoulder length and donning a stylish headband, he still didn't receive the notice that he craved.


Such a sad Mike.

He played for Orlando and Memphis for several years, shot pretty well, but was never satisfied. Not enough newspapers were writing about him. There were only three "Mike Miller" jerseys sold in seven years, and they were all hanging in Mike's extensive closet.

It wasn't until the draft of 2008 that Mike decided to take a different approach to his career. He was on his way to Minnesota in a trade for OJ Mayo. He was brought in to shoot three's and make high percentage shots. After all, in his 2007-2008 season at Memphis he shot .502 from the field and .432 from three-point range. Surely, with Big Al's inside presence, he would be able to have a lot of open looks and knock down some key shots.

But this was not in Mike's plans. He wanted people to finally notice him. His new tactic was to stop taking shots if possible. When he did take shots, he was going to make sure that they were bricks. He wanted people to look at him for the beautiful woman that he was, rather than a shooting specialist.



Well done Mike. Mission accomplished. Now that Al is out and the team should be focusing on losing at all costs, you've decided to grab the spotlight once again. You are the belle of the ball.

I don't think Miller is ever going to change. The only solution is to pay undue amounts of praise upon him, no matter what he may be doing. For the rest of the season, when he misses a shot, we should all applaud with fervor. Turnover? Yay!!! Fouling out? Standing Ovation!!!



It's up to you T-Wolves fans. Lets get this going.

-Sota

Thursday, March 26, 2009

The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth

What up world,

Another day, another loss for the Timberwolves. Nothing unusual about that, right? If you take a closer look, however, you will notice that this wasn't just loss number 52 on the season. In an effort to shake things up, CoacHale (do you see what I did there?) benched his regular lineup at the onset of the game. His starting lineup was the following:

-Bobby "R&B Master" Brown
-Kevin "Back from the Grave" Ollie
-Brian "Big Bird" Cardinal
-Craig "Half Man/Half Animal" Smith
-Rodney "Boy II Man" Carney

McHale said that this wasn't a punishment for his regular starters. He thought that the team had been having lackluster starts and was generally tired from the number of minutes they had been playing. I see through the fog CoacHale. I know what you are really doing.

Tank attack y'all! Lottery here we come!!! Rubio! Thabeet! Don't deny it CoacHale. Keep doing what you're doing, but I think that you should probably let the entire team know of your intentions.

You see, the reserves must not have received the tanking memo last night. They led throughout the first half and deep into the third quarter. The collection of benchies got all plucky and felt entitled with the start. Rodney Carney tried to deliver his own brand of smooth R&B to his former team by making seven 3-pointers. Craig Smith led a rhino charge on the frontcourt of Philly, scoring 20 points.

Realizing that the reserves might actually win this game, McHale sent in his regular starters, who were fully on board with the lottery gameplan. Miller, Foye, Gomes, and Telfair failed miserably, which was exactly what was expected of them. They shot a combined 6 for 32, a staggering 18.7%, and ended up losing 88 to 96. CoacHale was so proud.


Such a happy CoacHale

Kevin Love made some remarks after the game, regarding the reserve's start. "Reward for those guys, punishment for us because we've been playing like doo-doo," he said. "I'm 20 years old, I can say that. We talk like that."

Yes you can K-Love. I encourage you to deliver further quotes like this. You should pick your boogies and wipe them on other players during the game. Go for a depants-ing. Make some fart noises with your armpit. These actions will do nothing but endear you further to your fans.

There are 10 games left in this miserable season. Finish it out with a strong losing streak, and I will be genuinely happy. Not only will it mean that you have a higher chance of getting a lottery pick, but it also means that I no longer have to write about your awfulness. Do that for me, T-Wolves.

-Sota

Monday, March 23, 2009

Victory is Ours

What up World,

The Bandits of Oklahoma City rolled into town this weekend. While the majority of the basketball loving world was watching their brackets and amazing 12th seeded teams, the Timberwolves and the Bandits squared off in the Target Center.

OKC was trying to avenge a 42 point loss that they suffered in Minneapolis in January, but failed to step back and see the larger picture. As of December 31st, 2008, the Bandits had won 4 total games and lost 29. The Timberwolves were slightly ahead of them with a record of 6 and 26. Then, the T-Wolves went all crazy balls in January, ripping off 10 wins and only 4 losses. Everything started to look good again. Colors looked brighter. Food tasted better. Sneaking into the playoffs looked like a slight possibility.

The Bandits started to play slightly better at this time as well, and the epic battle for last place in the Northwest division had begun. At the time, I was blinded by the improved play of the Wolves. It took until Big Al's injury to realize what was actually happening. Both teams have stockpiles of extra draft picks in the upcoming drafts. They are both young teams, that will theoretically start to get better in the upcoming seasons. Why are the Wolves killing themselves to get fourth place in the division? The team should be falling apart and being tanktastic.

McHale contacted the coach of the Bandits, none other than Scottie Brooks, captain of the White Man Hustle Team and former Timberwolves guard. McHale urged Scottie to start winning so that the T-Wolves would have a better chance of drafting Ricky Rubio or Thabeet. Scottie, still bleeding the Wolves' blue (with green highlights), happily complied with McHale's request.

Throughout the Spring, the Bandits have been improving. With a monstrous third quarter on Sunday, they helped the Wolves continue on their tanking ways and finally pulled even in the standings. Both teams are at 20 wins and 50 losses with a month left in the season.

Stick to the plan Wolves. Don't get too uppity. Lets see if we can run off 12 more losses, and complete the season on a successful note. Then, to complete our stellar year, reward McHale with a trip out of the country around the time of the draft. Put these things together, and we have a very impressive 2009.

-Sota

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

A Little of This...Some of That

What up World,

This is going to be a mixed bag o' stuff, as there is quite a bit going on in Vikings and Twins land, and not a whole lot in the miserable drudgery of the Timberwolves. A couple of quick thoughts on each of my teams.

Timberwolves: The team lost last night to the Spurs, without the presence of Timmy D or Manu G. Tony Parker continues to own us with his teardrop runners and speed of light movements. Tim Thomas had a double-double in the win, and apparently he doesn't enjoy holding hands with Jason Collins



Kevin Love had 17 points and 19 rebounds, for his 21st double-double of the season. I think if a player has more double-doubles than his age, he is having a fairly solid season. I'm not sure if the same rule applies to double-double hamburger orders from In-and-Out, but if it does, I am having a dominant winter.

The Wolves have 6 playoffs bound teams in the next 7 games. I foresee an excellent freefall in the standings in the next couple of weeks. Lose baby, lose!

Vikings: I have to admit that currently, I am obsessively following the saga of Jay Cutler and Denver. I love T-Jax and I have a strong desire to hang out with him on a daily basis, but I think that my love could easily be transferred to Cutler. He's a firey, young guy, with a cannon arm, that could be our quarterback for a long time.

He's receiving a lot of critism for throwing interceptions or not winning big games, which is very similar to the critism another quarterback received early in his career. This quarterback ended up tormenting the Vikings for the majority of my childhood, leading the 'team that shall not be named' to two Super Bowls and winning one of them. I'm not going to mention his name, but I'll give you some clues. He has a penchant for pain killers, Wrangler jeans, and killing small children's dreams.

Twins: There is a whole lot of news coming out of spring training for the T-Wins. Joe Mauer has a sore back from too much humping around, Joe Crede can't seem to find his swing, Jose Mijares apparently loves double-doubles as much as myself, Span is batting under .000, Cuddyer may not be as good as we thought, as well as thousands of other stories.

The excitement I had for the start of spring training has disipated somewhat. It seems like it has lasted for two months already, and I just want the games to freaking start. Than I can start writing about them for real, and escape the overwhelming depression that is the Timberwolves' season.

Other Stuff: I received an overwhelming response to the nickname column. There was a whopping 1 post, which shatters the record for the majority of my articles. The post was a quality one however, offering multiple nickname selections. Here is the list and my thoughts on each:

Meatloaf - I had forgotten that I was "meatloaf" for a year of my life, while I was living in Chicago. I enjoyed the nickname, hearing it repeatedly yelled at me while I hid out in the basement of my apartment. It would have been that much better if an actual meatloaf had been prepared for dinner. Then Brent could have yelled, "Meatloaf, get your meatloaf."

SM2 (Scissor Master 2) - I enjoyed my time as part of the scissor master team, spreading the scissoring love movement across the nation. However, I don't know if I would like it to be a permanent nickname. First of all, it is a long one. The best nicknames are short and sweet, one or two syllables at most. Secondly, the name implies that I was an equal scissoring "master". I cannot pretend that I was at the same level at Brent or Jaimie. I was more a "scissor apprentice" or "scissor in training".

Queer Moe Dee - I love this nickname. There is no specific meaning, other than the combination of an 80's rapper and making fun of me for being gay. The only hesitation that I have is that I'm not actually gay, and I slowly trying to repair my image in that sense. In my last year in Chicago, I received a Sammy the Sailor Christmas ornament, a man-thong for my birthday, and a birthday cake that was served to me by three shirtless guys with whipped cream on their nipples. A nickname like Queer Moe Dee might not help my reputation.

Roomie - Simple and short, but not as unique as some of the others. Also, it might force me to move back to Chicago and start living in the basement again.

Dorkus Malorkus - I've spoken to Brent about this choice. It works well, even though it is longer than some of the other options. The only drawback is that Brent called other people this while he was in third grade. This means that this name is not unique to me. Anyone could be DM.

FOB (Friend of Brent) - This works well, as I already have a t-shirt that proclaims this fact, and I am a friend of Brent. Brent hates pretty much everyone, including Gingers, Leffers, Oppos, and Moons, so this is a fairly exclusive club. I think that this may be my selection for now.

That is all for now. If you would like an article written about you, all you have to do is leave a comment. I have two regular readers, one has received a call out, one hasn't. I need a post Mark. Post!

-Sota (FOB)

Monday, March 16, 2009

WGTKY - Ryan Gomes

What up world,

The Timberwolves had a fairly solid week considering that they only have a couple of players that aren't injured or close to their death bed. My secret man-crush, K-Love, spent the majority of the weekend shedding pounds with the bulimic diet, while Foye sensually massaged his own hip and Carney's iced his sore man-parts.

Because of the number of injuries, I was amazed to see that the Wolves pulled out wins against Memphis and Charlotte. I checked the box score, and noticed a name that I have payed very little attention to throughout the season. Ryan Gomes has been consistently starting, and putting up some serious numbers lately, but I know so little about him. As such, a WGTKY seems to make perfect sense. So, without further ado...

WGKTY-Ryan Gomes addition!!!!



Ryan Gomes was born in 1982 in Waterbury, Connecticut and played his college ball at Providence. He was a dominant force of nature there for four years, and was originally projected as a late first round/early second round pick for the NBA draft. In the 2005 draft, Gomes fell to the 50th overall pick, well behind the two T-Wolves selections of Rashad McCants(14th) and Bracey Wright(47th).


#14. Booooooo


#47. Booooooooooo


#50. Yesssssssssssss

Angered by his fall, Gomes joined a group called the "Seeds of Destruction". The 'Seeds' spread despair and destruction to anyone that defied them. For two seasons, he played in Boston with fellow 'Seeds' member Ricky Davis, while putting up fairly consistent numbers. He was named a member of the All-Rookie Second Team in 05-06 and played regular minutes for the Celtics in 06-07.


Seeds of Destruction members were not allowed to wear shirts.
Ricky Davis is pure evil...

At the apex of his 'Seeds' destruction, he made a comment following a loss to the Milwaukee Bucks, late in the 06-07 season. When asked why he wasn't taken off the bench during the fourth quarter, Gomes said, "I probably (would have played), but since we were in the hunt for a high draft pick, of course things are different."

His destructive tendencies had led to him trying to reveal the secret plot of the Celtics to tank at the end of the season. Angry, Danny Ainge promptly traded Gomes to the Timberwolves as part of the trade that shall not be named.

It was during the 07-08 season in Minnesota that Gomes realized the error of his ways. Instead of trying to spread sorrow and anger through the "Seeds of Destruction", he started a group called the "Seeds of Peace". The new 'Seeds' now meet with inner city youth to try and resolve conflict.



At the same time as the inception of the new 'Seeds', Gomes started to play more and more. He averaged nearly 30 minutes per game in 07-08 and about 32 in 08-09. He averages 14 points and 5 rebounds per game in the current season, with a serious uptick in the last couple of weeks. He is a consistent starter and a key cog to future teams.

In addition to Seeds of Peace, Gomes also donated a number of Automatic External Defibrillators to local hospitals and hosts free youth basketball clinics in the Minneapolis area. He also saves puppies and butterflies in his spare time.

After a rocky start to his career, it seems that Gomes has found his niche in Minnesota. It is only a matter of time before he dons his "Seeds of Peace" superhero outfit and fights crime in the streets of the Twin Cities. Naturally, I will be his trusty sidekick. It's going to happen.


-Sota

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

This is My Chance

What up world,

The Timberwolves suffered yet another loss last night to the Washington Wizards. They've now lost 10 of the last 11, and may have lost another starter for the rest of the season. Things are going exactly according to plan! Lottery pick, here we come!

Randy Foye went down with a severe ankle sprain, and had to be helped off the court and through the locker room after the game. Also, Rodney Carney sat out the second half with a lower body contusion (he bruised his butt). Of our current roster, we now have three starters that are out for the season; Al Jefferson, Corey Brewer, and now Foye, with Carney most likely out for a couple of games.

After a long season, many of the Timberwolves are struggling each night. There are only 19 games remaining in the season, and the wear and tear is starting to show. I've listed the remaining roster and some of the nagging injuries that are affecting them:

1. Bobby Brown: Too much humping around.
2. Brian Cardinal: Premature balding.
3. Jason Collins: Inflamed Awfulness.
4. Ryan Gomes: Gonorrhea-syphilaids.
5. Kevin Love: Fat fingers.
6. Mark Madsen: Albinism.
7. Mike Miller: Woman, trapped in man's body.
8. Kevin Ollie: Already died of natural causes.
9. Craig Smith: Gigantism, of everything.
10. Sebastian Telfair: Benjamin Button disease.
11. Shelden Williams: Homesick for his alien world.

For the next couple of weeks, there are only 11 men on the Timberwolves roster, most of whom are hurting as well. What is the team going to do? Sign NBA D-leaguers to 10-day contracts? Please. That is what everyone is expecting them to do. I think that they are going to start accepting walk-ons and pulling random people out of the stands. That way, they will be getting the fans involved and ensuring that they won't win a game for the rest of the season. Ricky Rubio, welcome to Minnesota.

In anticipation of this move, I've decided to throw my hat in the ring. I've sent an email to the personnel department, asking to be part of the team. Here is the actual email below:

After seeing the results of the game last night, it seems to me that the Timberwolves are going to be struggling for players. With Randy Foye, Al Jefferson, Corey Brewer, and Rodney Carney out for significant amounts of time, you have a number of roster spots to fill.

I would like to volunteer to play for the team. A few of my qualifications:

-I was a member of the Apple Valley traveling basketball team, while in middle school.
-I play in pick up games every couple of months.
-I won the last HORSE competition I was involved in.
-I once made 14 free throws in a row.
-I can dribble with both hands.

I can already envision myself cheering the starters alongside Mark Madsen. I can create some original cheers or handshakes that would be vital to team morale.

Please let me know what the next steps are in this process. I look forward to being the next member of the Timberwolves!



I will keep you updated on this process, unless there is some team rule about divulging all of our sweet game plans and team cheers of course. Then, I'll try to communicate with all of you through coded messages in the media. My future career just started.

-Sota

Friday, March 6, 2009

Horror at its Finest

What up world,

There was an article in the Strip this week, equating the game tape from the Timberwolves' Tuesday night loss to Golden State to a horror film. I was intrigued by this, and managed to get my hands on the film. Lets just say that I have some pull. Last night, with a bowl of popcorn and a darkened room, I settled down to watch the video.

Let me say this, I have never been more frightened in my life. It was like the first time that I saw the Shining, and then spent months refusing to enter a bathroom with a closed shower curtain. I may have peed myself at one point. I will do my best to describe the storyline of the game tape below, but beware, it may leave you huddled in the corner, sucking your thumb.

The movie followed a pretty typical horror format. The Timberwolves' parents were out of town for the evening, and they decided to have a little party. There was a little drinking, some "truth or dare", and some general naughtiness. Kevin Love and the hot chick (Mike Miller) may have spent 7 minutes in heaven at one point.


Mark Madsen dancing at the party

Little did they know that, while they were partying in the basement, Nellie and a a group of Warriors had ascended from the depths of hell, and were slowly creeping towards them. One by one, the members of the Timberwolves would venture off into the darker areas of the Target Center and never return. Some of the first bloody deaths are listed below:

-Corey Brewer went outside to catch some fresh air, and was brutally clubbed in the knee, causing his skeletal frame to break into a thousand pieces.

-Al Jefferson had gotten a little too drunk and was throwing up in the bathroom. Warrior Adris Biedrins found him there and began chopping off his limbs, one by one.

-Sebastian Telfair was trying to convince some of his teammates that he was a legitimate basketball player when Corey Maggette entered the room and stabbed him in the crotch.

At this point, some of the Timberwolves started to realize that something was going wrong. They began to get frightened due to the absence of the their friends, Al Jefferson specifically. Mark Madsen, Shelden Williams, and Brian Cardinal decided to go look for Al. While searching through the depths of the Target Center, they were confronted by Coach Don Nelson. The epitome of evil, Nellie hates slow, plodding big guys. Consumed by rage, he decided to devour the three Timberwolves in one of the most terrifying and gory scenes ever recorded on film.

While this was happening, the hot chick decided that she was going to try and escape from the Target Center. Mike Miller started running through the darkened hallways, searching for an exit, screaming and running her fingers through her long and flowing hair.



Suddenly, she heard some noises from one of the concession stands, and decided to inspect the situation further. As she approached the area, Stephen Jackson sprung up from behind the counter, throwing burning hot nacho cheese on Mike's face. As Stephen was cutting off pieces of Mike's body and dipping them in the cheese, he yelled over and over again, "You can't guard me!"


Stephen Jackson, showing where Mike Miller is located now.

There were a series of equally brutal murders throughout the evening. Randy Foye was decapitated, Rodney Carney was hung from the rafters, and Kevin Ollie died of old age.


RIP Kevin Ollie. You were old.

One by one, the Timberwolves were killed off, until the only remaining member of the team remaining was Kevin Love.

Through grit and hustle, Kevin had managed to stave off the Warrior attacks. He waddled around the Target Center, avoiding any confrontation. He entered into the locker room, and found Crunch standing in one the lockers. Here is a recap of the conversation:


Love: Crunch! Thank God. I need your help and enthusiasm. The Warriors are killing us.

Crunch starts pounding a drum, encouraging Kevin to start the "De-fense" chant.

Love: Defense? Yes, that's a great idea Crunch. We need to set up some sort of defense, but I don't know how. I haven't played defense my entire life!

Crunch motions for Kevin to give him a hug.

Love: Thank you Crunch. I need a hug right now.

As they are hugging, Crunch starts to bite Kevin's shoulder.

Love: Crunch! What are you doing? That hurts!

Crunch continues to bite, taking a large bite from Kevin's shoulder.

Love: Crunch! Why?!?

Slowly, Crunch pulls off his mascot head, revealing a smiling Nellie underneath.

Love: You aren't Crunch at all! You're Don Nelson!

Don Nelson: That's right slow white man. And now I'm going to eat you.

Love: Noooooooo!!!


Evil Don Nelson, after consuming four of the slowest, whitest Timberwolves.
That includes you, Shelden.


Nellie closes in on a struggling Kevin, and the movie fades to black. I sat in the pool of my own urine, in a darkened room, trying to make sense of what I had just seen. The Timberwolves season had been murdered in cold blood by the Warriors. I haven't slept since last night, because I'm convinced that Nellie and the rest of his team will show up in my nightmares.

I'm not sure when I will be able to sleep again. Not after watching the game from Tuesday. The team is making a west coast trip this weekend. Maybe there will be a sequel where the Timberwolves battle back against the evil forces of the Lakers and Trailblazers. Or maybe, it will be another bloody, gory mess that leaves me trembling in the dark once again. We will see.

-Sota

Monday, March 2, 2009

Choosing a Nickname

What up world,

Throughout my entire life, I've always wanted a nickname. Something that would define me and confuse people that I meet for the first time. Even the use of my last name would have been acceptable, however, due to the uniqueness of my first name, I've gone through life so far as just Micah. The only nicknames that I've received have been self-imposed. I tried to get people to call me Awesome for a while, but it didn't stick. Sota would work, but the only people that read this blog are Brent and Mark, which doesn't translate to a dramatic shift in my persona.

There is a flip side to this as well. While I've always wanted a unique and defining nickname, some people retain nicknames from embarrassing moments in their life or have some extremely unflattering names attached to them. There was a girl that I worked with in college that we called "Sausage" due to a night of excessive drinking and some unfortunate photographs. I don't think that she has ever recovered from this attachment.

When I first started watching the Timberwolves, my favorite player was Jerome Richardson, otherwise known as "Pooh". Pooh Richardson was the first draft pick of the Wolves, taken 10th in the 1989 draft. I watched him play in the seats of the Metrodome, while the Target Center was still under construction. For three seasons, I gathered every piece of news about Pooh, putting posters on my walls and collecting basketball cards. He was my KG before KG arrived.


The Wolves wore a one-piece jersey at this time. Nice legs Pooh.

Throughout my burgeoning obsession, I always wondered why he kept the nickname Pooh. I was in elementary school at the time, and the thought of my favorite players name would make me giggle throughout cursive writing class. My dad would ask if I wanted to go to a game. I would ask, "Can I cheer for Pooh?" and then laugh my ass off. At the games I would yell out things like, "Yeah Pooh!" or "Pooh is a good shooter" and think that I was hilarious. I couldn't believe that I wasn't being reprimanded for saying the word 'Poo' over and over again.

While I continue to hope that I am defined by a nickname some day, I'm hoping that it won't be something like Pooh, or Booger, or any other bodily fluid. I'm leaving the work up to you, the vast number of readers out there. Throw your suggestions in the comments, and I will decide on which nickname I like best. Make me proud.

-Sota