There was an article in the Strip this week, equating the game tape from the Timberwolves' Tuesday night loss to Golden State to a horror film. I was intrigued by this, and managed to get my hands on the film. Lets just say that I have some pull. Last night, with a bowl of popcorn and a darkened room, I settled down to watch the video.
Let me say this, I have never been more frightened in my life. It was like the first time that I saw the Shining, and then spent months refusing to enter a bathroom with a closed shower curtain. I may have peed myself at one point. I will do my best to describe the storyline of the game tape below, but beware, it may leave you huddled in the corner, sucking your thumb.
The movie followed a pretty typical horror format. The Timberwolves' parents were out of town for the evening, and they decided to have a little party. There was a little drinking, some "truth or dare", and some general naughtiness. Kevin Love and the hot chick (Mike Miller) may have spent 7 minutes in heaven at one point.
Mark Madsen dancing at the party
Little did they know that, while they were partying in the basement, Nellie and a a group of Warriors had ascended from the depths of hell, and were slowly creeping towards them. One by one, the members of the Timberwolves would venture off into the darker areas of the Target Center and never return. Some of the first bloody deaths are listed below:
-Corey Brewer went outside to catch some fresh air, and was brutally clubbed in the knee, causing his skeletal frame to break into a thousand pieces.
-Al Jefferson had gotten a little too drunk and was throwing up in the bathroom. Warrior Adris Biedrins found him there and began chopping off his limbs, one by one.
-Sebastian Telfair was trying to convince some of his teammates that he was a legitimate basketball player when Corey Maggette entered the room and stabbed him in the crotch.
At this point, some of the Timberwolves started to realize that something was going wrong. They began to get frightened due to the absence of the their friends, Al Jefferson specifically. Mark Madsen, Shelden Williams, and Brian Cardinal decided to go look for Al. While searching through the depths of the Target Center, they were confronted by Coach Don Nelson. The epitome of evil, Nellie hates slow, plodding big guys. Consumed by rage, he decided to devour the three Timberwolves in one of the most terrifying and gory scenes ever recorded on film.
While this was happening, the hot chick decided that she was going to try and escape from the Target Center. Mike Miller started running through the darkened hallways, searching for an exit, screaming and running her fingers through her long and flowing hair.
Suddenly, she heard some noises from one of the concession stands, and decided to inspect the situation further. As she approached the area, Stephen Jackson sprung up from behind the counter, throwing burning hot nacho cheese on Mike's face. As Stephen was cutting off pieces of Mike's body and dipping them in the cheese, he yelled over and over again, "You can't guard me!"
Stephen Jackson, showing where Mike Miller is located now.
There were a series of equally brutal murders throughout the evening. Randy Foye was decapitated, Rodney Carney was hung from the rafters, and Kevin Ollie died of old age.
RIP Kevin Ollie. You were old.
One by one, the Timberwolves were killed off, until the only remaining member of the team remaining was Kevin Love.
Through grit and hustle, Kevin had managed to stave off the Warrior attacks. He waddled around the Target Center, avoiding any confrontation. He entered into the locker room, and found Crunch standing in one the lockers. Here is a recap of the conversation:
Love: Crunch! Thank God. I need your help and enthusiasm. The Warriors are killing us.
Crunch starts pounding a drum, encouraging Kevin to start the "De-fense" chant.
Love: Defense? Yes, that's a great idea Crunch. We need to set up some sort of defense, but I don't know how. I haven't played defense my entire life!
Crunch motions for Kevin to give him a hug.
Love: Thank you Crunch. I need a hug right now.
As they are hugging, Crunch starts to bite Kevin's shoulder.
Love: Crunch! What are you doing? That hurts!
Crunch continues to bite, taking a large bite from Kevin's shoulder.
Love: Crunch! Why?!?
Slowly, Crunch pulls off his mascot head, revealing a smiling Nellie underneath.
Love: You aren't Crunch at all! You're Don Nelson!
Don Nelson: That's right slow white man. And now I'm going to eat you.
Love: Noooooooo!!!
Evil Don Nelson, after consuming four of the slowest, whitest Timberwolves.
That includes you, Shelden.
Nellie closes in on a struggling Kevin, and the movie fades to black. I sat in the pool of my own urine, in a darkened room, trying to make sense of what I had just seen. The Timberwolves season had been murdered in cold blood by the Warriors. I haven't slept since last night, because I'm convinced that Nellie and the rest of his team will show up in my nightmares.
I'm not sure when I will be able to sleep again. Not after watching the game from Tuesday. The team is making a west coast trip this weekend. Maybe there will be a sequel where the Timberwolves battle back against the evil forces of the Lakers and Trailblazers. Or maybe, it will be another bloody, gory mess that leaves me trembling in the dark once again. We will see.
-Sota
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