Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Hope...

What up world,

Tonight is a big night. A BIG night. Tonight marks the beginning of something special in the state of Minnesota. No longer will Minnesotans flounder in despair. Not in the least. For hope is beginning to shine through the darkness of our impending winter. Minnesotans, let your heart be full with the promise of something better....

...because tonight marks the start of the Timberwolves season!

That's right! No longer will you have to dwell on the playoff exit of those miserable Twins, or the wilting expectations of your football Vikings. Forget about Joe Mauer and Brett Favre. In the Timberwolves you have a team that won a staggering 15 games last season. 15 games!!! Imagine if they were an NFL team. 15 wins would be a dominant season.

What's that? 67 losses? Of course you had to mention the losses. So what? We got rid of the problems from last year. Namely Al Jefferson. So what if he scored 17 point and grabbed 10 rebounds per game? We don't need them. Or his low post moves. Or favorable contract. Or good attitude in the locker room. Good riddance, you troublemaker.

Plus, Al was holding back the development of our savior. No, I'm not talking about Kevin Love. I'm talking about the Super Serb. The Darkness. A Millie. This guy.




Former Number 2 overall pick, Darko Milicic. He might not have worked for the previous four NBA teams, but he is definitely going to work for us. So much so that we offered him $20 million over the next four years. This can't fail!

Oh, and let's not forget about Demarcus Beasley, or Martell Webster, or Luke Ridnour, or even Nikola Pekovic. No other teams wanted them. Who cares? Collectively they will be something special. Guaranteed. A group of castoffs put together to form the most dominant team in NBA history. It's the basketball version of Goonies. With Kevin McHale playing the part of One Eyed Willy.



The good news is that it will be difficult for the team to be worse than last year. 15 wins isn't exactly setting the bar high. They already had 6 wins in the preseason. Plus, I have an entire roster to get to know. It's a blogging gold mine.

So, Minnesotans, let's get behind this team. Let's cheer them on in a half empty Target Center. Let's applaud the work of David Khan. Let's hold onto the glimmer of hope that we have at the onset. Because that's most likely the last glimmer that we're going to have for a long time.

-Sota

Thursday, October 21, 2010

A Leaky Ship

What up world,

Over the last couple of years, as I've blogged intermittently, I've noticed that I don't write much about the Vikings. I've written inane articles on Timberwolves players, discussed the inner workings of Lil Nicky Punto's mind, and even wrote a piece on classifying gymnasts as a different species, but I don't find that I have much to say on the Vikes.

I don't know why this is. I love the Purple. I've fiercely defended the actions of the team against my heathenish Green Bay parents. I've mirrored Chris Carter's touchdown celebration during numerous beer pong games. I even called into a sports talk radio show to discuss the team (the lowest point of my life).

Disappointment. It's the only thing that I can think of. I haven't cheered for any other team that has had a consistent shot at being great. The Timberwolves had one season of greatness (single tear. I miss you KG). The Twins have made the playoffs on a regular basis, but I've never thought of them as a legitimate contender. We never even think about a national championship for the Badgers. We set our sights on the Rose Bowl, but are really just happy to have a moment of greatness every once in a while. Like beating #1 last weekend. What! Suck it Ohio State.

Every season, however, I look to the Vikings to do something extraordinary. I get my hopes and expectations up, and am usually bitterly disappointed by season's end. The beginning of the 2010 season was no different. After getting to the brink of the Super Bowl last year, I thought that we had a legitimate chance at being dominant from the start. Bring back Favre. Bring back Purple Jesus. Hell, even Chili can come along for the ride. Breeze through the regular season and bring on that championship banner.

The last time that I felt this confident about the team was the beginning of the 2005 season. My boy, Duante Culpepper, was coming off of an amazing season. The majority of the team was back, our defense was getting better, and I was convinced that the departure of Randy Moss would allow the team to gel. I was ready for Duante to take the team in his tiny hands and lead us to glory.

The team started 2-5, Duante's knee was dismantled, and the Vikings ended up not going to the playoffs. In addition, a little incident called "The Love Boat" occurred, leaving me not only disappointed but also ashamed. Ugh, Bryant McKinnie, you are a dirty dude.

Which brings us to 2010. The Vikings are 2-3, and look as coordinated as a newborn deer. Watching our offense makes me want to punch children and kittens. My thoughts of domination have dissolved into hopes of getting to .500.

And scandal has reared its ugly head once again (no pun intended). Brett's penis made its Internet debut last week and discussions of his harassment have run rampant. Our QB is already battered and out of sync with our receivers. Let's add some embarrassment and marital troubles. Sounds like a plan!

It has gotten to the point that I don't want to think about the team throughout the week. I'm trying to guard myself against the pain. I don't want to get my hopes up any longer, only to have them crushed. It's not a great way to go into Packer week.

Pull it together Vikes. I want to love you and dream of a purple championship ring. By the way, I'll be in Dallas for the Super Bowl. It would be fantastic if you could show up as well.

Sincerely,

Sota

Monday, October 11, 2010

Damn Yankees

What up world,

I haven't seen the play "Damn Yankees". However, I have watched the Twins lose nine playoffs games in a row to the "F-ing Yankees", and I've read the wikipedia page regarding the play. As such, I feel that I have the authority to dive into a comparison between "Damn Yankees" and the poop-fest that I watched over the last week.

The story takes place in Washington D.C., where the main character, Joe, is a fan of the local baseball team, the Washington Senators. Note that those Senators eventually moved to the Twin Cities in 1960 to become the most adorably frustrating baseball team in history.

Joe hates the Yankees and thinks that the Senators could beat them if only they had a long ball hitter. A salesman arrives at his doorstep while he's having these thoughts, offering him a chance to be the savior of the franchise. The only catch is that Joe must provide his soul. He can opt out of the contract, but it has to be before his last at-bat at the conclusion of the baseball season.

If I were Joe, I would probably be skeptical of the salesman that arrives at my door requesting my soul as compensation. I would think that he was either the devil or nuts-crazy. Either way I probably would avoid his offer...and direct eye contact. I'm not saying that I wouldn't consider it. It is the Yankees.

Joe accepts the offer, begins crushing balls, and moving the Senators up in the standings. He is loving life and Senator fans are loving him. Nothing could be better, except that Joe gets all sally-pants on us, and starts missing his wife. Come on Joe, this is the Yankees that we are taking about! The Yankees!!! Stay focused.

At his final at-bat, Joe is left with two fates. He could either crush a home run and win the pennant, losing his soul in the process, or he could reverse the deal and get his wife back. At the last moment he asks to be let go and returns to his normal self.

How selfish can you be Joe? Don't you know that there are young fans all over the country that are cheering you on? In particular, a young, handsome, charming fan living in San Diego, that wants nothing more than a single victory in the playoffs? You and your stupid wife.

But there is a twist. Even after declining his powers, Joe ends up hitting a home run anyway. He's just a normal guy swinging some big lumber. The Senators win the pennant, he gets his wife back, and the devil/travelling salesman is left with nothing.

I think that we've learned our lesson here Twins fans. Someone out there has to throw out the offer. Put your soul in escrow for the length of next season, but make sure to include the opt out clause. When the playoffs role around, simply renege on that promise. As long as it ensures a victory over that pompous, overpaid, arrogant team from the Bronx.

Thank you for the season Twins. Lets see if we can find our Souless Joe for next year.

Go Rangers

-Sota

Monday, October 4, 2010

Rich Kids

What up world,

162 games in the books. No need for the 163rd. Playoffs are here and I couldn't be more excited. Target Field is polished up and ready. Twins fans are working themselves into a frenzy. October has arrived, and with it, the hopes of a championship run. Now, let me check the schedule to see who we're playing...

The Yankees? What!?!? Again??? Well, poop...

The F-ing Yankees. I couldn't hate the team more. It's a strong statement, but I don't see any way that I could hold a greater level of resentment. Unless, they hailed from Northern Wisconsin and wore hats that looked like cheese. That would be my nightmare.

I think of the Yankees as the preppy kids from 80's movies. You see them pop on screen, displaying smarminess and feathered hair, and the desire to punch them in the face rises exponentially.



But the problem for our hero (the Twins in this case) is that they are stuck mowing lawns in order to pay for the cool car or sweet sunglasses. They don't have the luxury of daddy's trust fund. The preppy kids have all of the cool parties...



get all the hot girls (Hello, Minka Kelly)



and constantly hold the regular guys down.



It's the worst. It's not a level playing field. Our hero starts the movie with the odds stacked against him. There's no way the pretty girl next door is going to go to prom with him. Unless...

Maybe our hero wins the big ski race. Maybe he gets her to give him a makeover and they pretend to be in a relationship, but they end of falling in love anyway. Maybe they get stuck in detention together, and realize that this whole popularity thing is dumb anyway. Maybe, when all else fails, the Twins hold a boom box over their heads outside the World Series' house. How could she say no to that?




So bring it on Biff, or Miles, or the Yankees. We're ready for you...

-Sota