Damn Yankees

What up world,

I haven't seen the play "Damn Yankees". However, I have watched the Twins lose nine playoffs games in a row to the "F-ing Yankees", and I've read the wikipedia page regarding the play. As such, I feel that I have the authority to dive into a comparison between "Damn Yankees" and the poop-fest that I watched over the last week.

The story takes place in Washington D.C., where the main character, Joe, is a fan of the local baseball team, the Washington Senators. Note that those Senators eventually moved to the Twin Cities in 1960 to become the most adorably frustrating baseball team in history.

Joe hates the Yankees and thinks that the Senators could beat them if only they had a long ball hitter. A salesman arrives at his doorstep while he's having these thoughts, offering him a chance to be the savior of the franchise. The only catch is that Joe must provide his soul. He can opt out of the contract, but it has to be before his last at-bat at the conclusion of the baseball season.

If I were Joe, I would probably be skeptical of the salesman that arrives at my door requesting my soul as compensation. I would think that he was either the devil or nuts-crazy. Either way I probably would avoid his offer...and direct eye contact. I'm not saying that I wouldn't consider it. It is the Yankees.

Joe accepts the offer, begins crushing balls, and moving the Senators up in the standings. He is loving life and Senator fans are loving him. Nothing could be better, except that Joe gets all sally-pants on us, and starts missing his wife. Come on Joe, this is the Yankees that we are taking about! The Yankees!!! Stay focused.

At his final at-bat, Joe is left with two fates. He could either crush a home run and win the pennant, losing his soul in the process, or he could reverse the deal and get his wife back. At the last moment he asks to be let go and returns to his normal self.

How selfish can you be Joe? Don't you know that there are young fans all over the country that are cheering you on? In particular, a young, handsome, charming fan living in San Diego, that wants nothing more than a single victory in the playoffs? You and your stupid wife.

But there is a twist. Even after declining his powers, Joe ends up hitting a home run anyway. He's just a normal guy swinging some big lumber. The Senators win the pennant, he gets his wife back, and the devil/travelling salesman is left with nothing.

I think that we've learned our lesson here Twins fans. Someone out there has to throw out the offer. Put your soul in escrow for the length of next season, but make sure to include the opt out clause. When the playoffs role around, simply renege on that promise. As long as it ensures a victory over that pompous, overpaid, arrogant team from the Bronx.

Thank you for the season Twins. Lets see if we can find our Souless Joe for next year.

Go Rangers

-Sota