A Very Naughty Child

What up world,

Breaking news out of Chicago today. Carlos Quentin, the man-child that has been cranking the piss out of balls on the south side, may be out for the rest of the season due to a broken wrist. Quentin says that the injury was incurred on Monday night when he fouled off a pitch against Cliff Lee, but I found out some startling details from some of my sources here.

The White Sox had just completed their series against Boston, and had flown into Cleveland on Sunday night. Apparently his parents were visiting relatives in the Cleveland area for the weekend, and decided to surprise their baby Carlos at his hotel room when he arrived in town. They carried this picture with them, as they always do, reminding themselves how proud they are of their son.


As they entered the lobby of the team hotel, they showed the desk girl the picture and asked if she could give them their son's room number. The desk girl could see the pride beaming from their faces. She gave them his room number and even an extra key so that they could surprise him with a little visit.

The Quentin's arrived at room 302, inserted the card into the card slot, and entered Carlos' room. As they opened the door, they didn't initially see their baby boy. He wasn't on the bed, or typing homesick emails at the desk. A bit confused, they turned to their right to the open bathroom door. Mrs. Quentin shrieked and immediately fainted. Mr. Quentin yelled out a series of curses and stood aghast as he stared at the following image.



Shocked to see his parents, Carlos immediately tried to cover himself. While reaching for his jeans, his wrist snagged awkwardly on his waistband. He was left with the decision of either trying to pull up his pants, and furthering injuring himself, or exposing his fully erect boner to his father's eyes. He made the correct choice and yanked up his waistband, cracking his wrist in the process.

They sat together in several hours of silence. The only sounds that could be heard were the air conditioner and his mother muttering prayers to herself. He and his father decided that in order to protect himself and the family from media shame, he would have to pretend to hurt it in the next day's game.

And so, on Monday evening, we saw Quentin take an at bit against Lee. He claims that after fouling off a pitch he hit the bat with his right hand and broke his wrist. Please. We can all see through this bold faced lie. The truth will set you free Carlos.

Regardless of how it occurred, whether it was from hitting the bat or from one of his masturbatory excursions, he's out for the year. Maybe the Twins can stop smelling like my roommates feet and pick up some ground over the next month. Maybe even take the division? We can dream can't we?

-Sota