So Much Pain

What up world,

I have posted anything for a couple of days because I couldn't bring myself to face the pain of the weekend. I woke up last Saturday and checked to see what time the Twins played, and I was pleasantly surprised to find that they were going to be shown on Fox here in Chicago. It was going to be a weekend of unparalleled sports watching. College football and the Twins all day on Saturday, a Sunday of NFL action, and a Monday night of raping and pillaging by my purple homeboys. If I had a gauge on me to assess my excitement, it would have been past full.

Everything was going perfectly according to plan. The White Sox were losing to the Angels, the Twins were winning against Detroit, Notre Dame was losing to San Diego State, all at the same time. I had just eaten a ridiculous amount of fried food. I was lying on my roommates couch in perfect harmony with the world, thinking about how amazingly everything was working out, but it must have been too much gluttony. God began raining down fire and brimstone on my state of bliss. The Twins bullpen resume their hatred for being good, the White Sox tied it up in the 9th, and Notre Dame caused a fumbled at their own goaline to save the game.

I was crushed. Everything was going so perfectly. Due to my gluttonous ways, God had turned against the teams of Minnesota. I was even cheering against Touchdown Jesus. Why was I living in such sin? Why didn't I see this and immediately go to church to repent?

Sunday came, and I still didn't realize what I was doing. I got rather excited when Tom Brady went down with a knee injury for fantasy football reasons. I sat on the same couch eating nachos and wearing Zubaz. I didn't even shower the entire day. The gluttony had returned in full form.

Then Monday arrived. Even if the Twins were behind by 2 1/2 games, the Vikings beating the Packers would make everything alright for me. I proudly put on my Purple Jesus shirt, went to Taco Bell for dinner, and settled in to watch my boys take out the cheese in Lambeau. I was resuming my gluttony, worshiping a false idol, and openly dishonoring my mother and father (who are Packer fans). God was pissed at me, and decided to crush my spirits with a punt return by the Pack, a Lambeau leap by Aaron Rodgers, and a game ending interception by the Vikes.

I'm sorry for all of my actions. I finally realized what I had done on Tuesday morning, promptly going for a run and eating healthier. I said a thousand hail mary's and even tried whipping myself like that guy in the DaVinci Code. All of a sudden the White Sox had lost two on Tuesday and the Twins were within one. Paul Konerko gets hurt and there are reports that Dallas Clark might not be able to play next weekend. I promise that I will not defy God for the rest of the season, and we can all enjoy a World Series and Super Bowl run.

-Sota