As I have had the ability to watch the Twins all week long, I have enjoyed getting to see what several of the new team members look like. Rather than viewing still profile pictures on ESPN or MLB, I can see them actually move. Very exciting. One player that is new to the Twins that intrigued me tonight was pitcher, Livan the Hutt. I decided to do a little research on Livan following the Twins terrible loss to the Evil Southsiders this evening.
According to Wikipedia, Livan the Hutt is a 600 year old crime lord that resides in a desert palace on the
planet Tatooine during the offseason. He moves from team to team collecting larger and larger ransoms for his services. So far he has stolen from the Florida Marlins, San Francisco Giants, Montreal Expos, Washington Nationals, Arizona Diamondbacks, and now the Minnesota Twins.The majority of the time, team GM's are fooled by the Hutt's promises of eating innings. He eats innings and everything else that he can find (including swallowing Lil' Nicky Punto whole one time). It is thought that he often eats while on the mound, keeping food hidden in various parts of his uniform. Evidence of this can be seen when, instead of throwing the baseball, a large meatball emerges from his right hand. This happens quite frequently with each start. I spoke with Carlos Quentin of the Sox after the game tonight. He told me that he hadn't eaten all day, in anticipation of Livan the Hutt's delicious meatballs.
In addition to his claims of eating innings, the Hutt now can claim to be a "veteran leader". All that this title has lead to is Livan making Gomez and Casilla dance around in slave girl costumes in the locker room. While Frankie Liriano is stuck making AAA hitters cry like little girls, Livan is making $5 million and will most likely have a permanent spot in the rotation.
According the Wikipedia, Livan the Hutt has a grim sense of humor, a bellicose laugh, an insatiable innings appetite, and an affinity for gambling, slave girls, and torturing Twins fans. I'm hoping that the Twins recognize that they have been swindled before it's too late. I'm not sure how much longer Lil Nicky, Go-go, and Lexi can last.
-Sota
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