Terror from Texas

What up world,

So after a bit of a break the Twins were back in action this weekend. I was busy Friday and Saturday night with various alcohol infused distractions around the city and was not able to keep track of the games. On Sunday, as I was trying to retain the contents of my stomach, I laid in bed watching ESPN gamecast. It seems that the perfect hangover cure was tracking 12 year old Scott Baker throwing strikes through the first six innings. Surely the Twins would be able to scrap out a run or two in order to support his quest for perfection.

Top six, two down and Taylor Teagarden comes up to bat. I'm reviewing TT's stats as the pitching starts. .000 batting average huh? Baker is going to take perfection to the seventh! My stomach has turned from certain pukiness, to butterflies of excitement. I take a quick look at the scoreboard and see that the White Sox are losing to the Royals. All of a sudden the butterflies have turned into small birds. I can see headlines. "Prepubescent Pitcher is Perfect", "White Sox Suck Balls", "Twins Give Sox Perfect Crotch Kick".

And then horror hits. A home run? My nausea returns. Where did the Rangers bring this demon from? Somewhere in the depths of Texas they were slowly cultivating this creature for this exact moment. I did a quick search on mlb.com for TT. Here is the profile that I found:

Full Name: Taylor Hill Teagarden (obviously made up)
Real Full Name: Lucifer Pentagram Beezlebub
Birthplace: 7th ring of hell
Height: 7' 8"
Weight: 864
Hobbies: Killing Twins fan's dreams; eating kittens



He's already been reassigned. His job on earth is complete and he will no go back to torturing souls in hell. Needless to say, the rest of the Twins were so frightened of the creature that they couldn't concentrate for the rest of the game. Span, Buscher, and Mauer were so frightened that they couldn't swing the bat and decided to walk instead. Other than that, the rest of team did everything they could to get out of the game as soon as possible. Bunt outs, double plays, and first pitch fly-outs were the key to getting out alive. Luckily Punto wasn't playing. If he had, Teagarden would have eaten him as soon as he approached the plate.

Damn you Teagarden. Scottie Baker still hasn't stopped crying. He won't even come out of his room and will only talk to Cuddles, his stuffed bear. I had to slip some Ambian into his chocolate milk just so that he could get to sleep.

The bright side to this is that TT is gone for now. I'm hoping that the Twins have faced their fears and won't be frightened of the big bad Yankees this week. More updates to follow.

-Sota