Canadian Invasion

What up world,

History lesson. In the 1920's the United States developed a plan to invade Canada in response to a treaty between Japan and Great Britain. It was called "War Plan Red". It involved the capture of several Canadian cities through coordinated air and sea attacks. The goal of the plan was to preemptively strike so that Britain couldn't use Canada as a staging area for attacks of their own on the US.

At the same time, Canadians were preparing their defenses if there was war. Their plan was appropriately called "Defensive Scheme Number One", and was developed by James "Buster" Brown. Buster's plan called for a Canadian invasion of several smaller cities in the US, including Minneapolis. The surprise attacks would catch the Americans off-guard, giving the British enough time to send reinforcements. Once the reinforcements arrived, the Canadians would pull back to the border.

Eventually both plans were scrapped and we started embracing our northern neighbors. We welcomed hockey players, comedians, and tourists into the US. In return, the Canadians have allowed us to make fun of them, pillage their fishing stocks, and have sexy times with their tourists. The relationship has flourished.

However, recently I was informed that Canada has a secret invasion plan, appropriately named "Defensive Scheme Number Two". In this plan, they are focusing all of their efforts on taking over one city at a time, with Chicago being the first city of choice. To do this, they are breaking the cities spirit through their major sports teams.

Steve Nash unleashed his Canadian fury on the Bulls twice this season. Edmonton and Vancouver were designated as Blackhawk killers, going 7-1 against them last season. The Cub's Canadians have been doing well this season, but Ryan Dempster has volunteered to break his wrist during his wind-up and Rich Harden's has promised that his arm will eventually fly off during one of his pitches. They are waiting until September to do this in order to make the Cubs collapse that much more monumental.

While the Canadians are proud of these accomplishments, their true hero is none other than the Minnesota Twin's Justin Morneau. A descendant of Paul Bunyan's illicit affair with a Canadian Mountee, Justin has become a mythical creature in his destruction of Chicago's spirit. His legend grew last night as he approached the plate in the fifth inning against the White Sox. He left the dugout holding his Home Run derby trophy in one hand and his special bat "Elizabeth II" in the other. "Elizabeth II" is made of a special blend of moose antler and beaver pelt, which Justin thought would be appropriate for the occasion. He allowed Clayton Richard of the Sox to gain a little confidence before breaking his will, and the will of Chicago, with a shot off the baggie (directly hitting the red Dodge Ram located there). Canada had scored another victory as Monreau drove in three.

The people of Minnesota cheered, Canada celebrated by tipping back another mug of Molson Ice, and Chicago slowly wept. Somewhere in the great white north, Buster Brown was smiling.

-Sota