WGTKY - Al Jefferson

What up world,

It's been over a year since the origination of the WGTKY segment here at Sota Love. In that time, we've covered several Minnesota athletes, focusing mainly on the Timberwolves. There are several reasons for this, the largest being that the team is terrible and this segment is the only chance I have to get to know the team. Other reasons include:

-Getting to know obscure names like Nathan Jawai (who?)
-Meeting our team's awkward white guys, like Oleksiy Pecherov (again, who?)
-Saying hello to old friends, like Alando Tucker, before they're forced out of the league. (I still heart you Alando)

I've considered writing about each of these players, and nearly every player on the Timberwolves roster, except for one. You might be asking yourself, "Who is this mystery player?" Read the subject line, dummy. It's right there. Did you find it? Good work.

For some reason, even though he is the supposed "star" of our team, I've never felt any affection toward Al Jefferson. I've contemplated why this is the case for quite some time (the 15 minutes before writing this point), and I think I've come up with a reason.

It's not because he's boring to watch or that his defense is worse than a drunk girl at an after-party. It's not because he doesn't get along with Kevin Love, or because he can't stay healthy for a full season. It's moreso because of how he became a member of the Timberwolves.

On July 31, 2007, after playing with the Celtics for two seasons, Al became the center-piece of the Kevin Garnett trade. He, along with a garbage bag full of other players, were traded to the Timberwolves for the first love of my life.

I still haven't gotten over it. I'm happy for Kevin, but the pain of the breakup still lingers. Would I have liked to stay married to him for the rest of my life? Yes. Do I think it was the healthiest of relationships? Probably not. Do I still draw hearts around pictures of KG? It's possible.

Because of this pain I've never been able to fully embrace Big Al. I'm doing my best to move past all of this, as evidenced by the WGTKY piece, but I see him in a Timberwolves uniform and I'm immediately reminded of what we gave up to get him. He's my rebound relationship.

Rebound? Huh. What an excellent segue. Without further ado, WGTKY: Al Jefferson edition!



Rebounds: This season Al set a single-game franchise record for rebounds, with 26 during a triple overtime loss to the Houston Rockets. Since he's been with the Timberwolves, he's been averaging over 11 rebounds per game. Not bad. Not quite KG in Minnesota numbers, but not bad.

Scoring: For the 2009-2010 season, Big Al is scoring an average of 23.1 points per game, which is the highest total for his career. He is considered a "throw-back" power forward because of his offensive game. The majority of his points are scored from post-up, back to the basket sets. Is this incredibly boring? Yes.

Other highlights: There are signs of continued growth for Jefferson. He has career highs in blocks, assists, free-throw percentage, and minutes per game during the current season. Of course, that growth hasn't led to a significant increase in team wins, so I'm not sure what that says about our star.

Drinking: This is a recent development in Al Jefferson's game. On February 28th, after getting blown out by the Portland Trailblazers (the game that I snuck into!), Al went out to get his party on. Nothing particularly wrong with that. I like to drink too.

However, if KG had lost a game in that manner, he probably would have silently left the locker room, driven home, and obsessed over the loss until he reached a near-murderous state. (I'm just saying).

Regardless of whether the post-game partying was appropriate, we can all agree that the decision to drive home was the wrong one. He was pulled over on 394 for speeding at 1 am. He failed a breathalyzer and his subsequent blood test revealed a blood alcohol content of .12. Naturally, I was curious as to how many drinks it would take for a 265 pound man to reach this point. So, I fired up the Sota Love research facility and managed to discover an answer.

I estimated that he had been drinking for approximately 3 hours (post-game to 1 am). I compiled a list of possible drinks that Big Al consumed during that time to lead to a BAC of .12. Here is my list:

1 Beer (to start the night-off and replenish vital fluids)
1 Henessy on the rocks (to get the nasty beer taste out of his mouth)
2 Cranberry and Vodkas (to get his vitamins)
3 Red Bull and Vodkas (to get the party started)
1 Gin and Juice (because the DJ was playing Snoop)
1 Double shot of Jager (to appease the college kids that saw him at the bar)
1 Shot of Tequila (to help him to sleep)

In three hours, that would leave him with a BAC of .118 according to my research. Maybe he had a sip of someone's Long Island to push him up by .002. In summary, Jefferson and the Timberwolves lost a game by 30 points, he got REALLY drunk, made the decision to drive home, and was later suspended for two games. Good work!



Ok, I know. I'm being a little biased. I just can't get past it. The more that I get to know him, the more I think about Garnett. Yes, Al is much younger and his numbers are somewhat similar, but he'll never replace the Kid in my eyes. Maybe with more time and greater success I'll be able to cheer for Al.

But for now, while the Timberwolves are 14 and 54, in the midst of a 10 game losing streak, and getting crushed by the Phoenix Suns (152 to 114, are you kidding me?), I'm allowed to be a little bitter.

Dear readers, tell me things will get better. Reassure me that the Timberwolves won't descend into a level of suck that creates some sort of black hole in the Target Center. The last thing we need is for the assiness of the team to start infecting their new next-door neighbors. The Twins need all the help they can get, and, Al, that doesn't include late-night drinking sessions!

-Sota

WGTKY - Kurt Rambis

What up world,

For those of you who are new to the blog, I like to run a feature every once in a while called "Wanna Get to Know You". It helps to learn a little bit more about the athletes that we love, hate, curse, salivate over on a weekly basis. Most of the WGTKY segments have focused on anonymous Timberwolves players. Players like Rodney Carney and Ryan Gomes. They aren't good enough to make it on anywhere else, and will most likely disappear into the D-League abyss come next year, so we try to get familiar with them while they are here.

For this segment, I would like...no, sorry that's not strong enough...I would be love...nope, still not there...I would be hopped-up-on-meth-excited...close enough... to get to know our new coach, Kurt Rambis just a little bit better.

In my younger years, I was fanatical for the NBA. I collected t-shirts, posters, Crunch dolls, and a large number of basketball cards. I would wander the mall, spend time at the arcade, maybe grab an Orange Julius, and buy packs of cards from the weird little stand under the escalators. I would sift through the packs, looking for Pooh Richardson or David Robinson or (most importantly) Magic Johnson cards. I would get excited when I saw the purple and gold of the Lakers uniform, but instead of seeing the thousand-watt smile of Magic, I would always find this man:



Kurt Rambis was in every single pack that I purchased. I probably have 50 Kurt Rambis cards still floating around my parent's house today. I would neatly arrange the players in plastic sheets and place them in a three-ring binder. They were organized according to their team, and any duplicates were placed together. While some players never showed up in my binder, Rambis had a whole chapter.

Was it the glasses? The mustache? Was a sweaty, ragged looking white man required to be included in every pack? I never understood the phenomenon, until I started doing a little research on the man.

Usually, while I'm doing these segments, I embellish the truth a little bit. I'm sorry to say this, but Rodney Carney was not actually in Boyz II Men. However, in Kurt's case, there was no need. The segment wrote itself.

Name: Kurt Rambis
Nickname: Kyriakos Rambidis

This is not a lie. I know, you think I'm trying to be funny, but it's true! Kurt began his career in Greece, where he went by the name Kyriakos Rambidis. He won the Greek Cup in 1981, before being signed by Los Angeles later that year.

Second Nickname: Superman

Rambis received this nickname from Lakers announcer Chuck Hearn for his resemblance to Clark Kent. Currently we have two superstars fighting over the use of that name. Shaq and Dwight Howard have been fighting over who the true "Superman" is since Howard's slam dunk contest. Let's go to the visual evidence:



I'm going to side with Hearn here, and say that Rambis has the closest resemblance to the superhero. Maybe it's the glasses. Maybe the hair. Oh, wait, now I see. Rambis is white. That makes much more sense.

Stats: 4,603 points, 4,961 rebounds, 59.5% field goal at his peak, and 4 championship rings.

These aren't gaudy stats, but are directly in-line with what is expected of a goofy, hustling white guy. Every championship caliber team needs one. The 07-08 Celtics had Brian Scalabrine, the 01-02 Lakers had Mark Madsen, the 95-96 Bulls had Luc Longley. Lets go back to the visual evidence.



All very awkward, all very white.

Other Interests: Coaching, acting, and rapping.

Coaching: Rambis was the assitant coach for the Lakers from 2002-2009, and named as the head coach of the Timberwolves this season.
Acting: While in LA he made appearances as a recurring character on 7th heaven, Sweet Valley High, and Married With Children. I've tried in vain to find a clip on Youtube to demonstrate his acting skills, but I've come up with nothing so far.
Rapping: His rap career hasn't taken off yet, but he was mentioned in two songs. In "Blao!" by rapper Hot Karl (amazing name) it is said, "I'm wearing the goggles that Kurt Rambis used to sport." In "Mayor" by Pac Div, Kurt's named is dropped as well, "your boy hustles hard like Rambis from the Lakers."

I'm hoping that in the next couple of seasons, I will grow to appreciate the man further. I predict that in 2013-2014 season, with the arrival of Ricky Rubio, the development of John Wall, and the presence of our token, awkward white guy (Kevin Love), the Timberwolves will be back in the playoff picture. I can see it already. Game 7 of the Western Conference Finals. The underdog Timberwolves are pushing the dominant Oklahoma City Thunder to the brink. Kurt, who's grown his mustache back for the season, emerges from the locker room, once again sporting his thick black glasses. The Thunder are so intimidated by the presence of Superman on the Wolves bench that they can't hit a shot. They can't play defense. They fall apart, and the Wolves are headed to the finals!

Then, I will return to my childhood bedroom, open my binder of basketball cards, and weep tears of joy over my massive Kyriakos Rambidis collection. Oh, the glory!!!

-Sota

The Future Starts Now

What up world,

Tonight marks the beginning of something wonderful for the Timberwolves. With four draft picks in the first round, a young core of players, and a fresh break from Kevin Coachale, the team can only be headed in the right direction, right? No longer will we have to question the drafting abilities of the former management regime, and can begin questioning the drafts of our current one. David Kahn, your move.

The last time the team had the 5th pick (and kept it) was in 1995, when they chose to select my favorite human being of all time; my boy, KG. Although the Garnett years never yielded a championship for Minnesota, they still provided for some highly entertaining seasons of basketball. Since 1995, the draft has not been quite as successful. Here is a list of the first rounders over the last 13 years.

1996: Ray Allen (traded to Milwaukee for Stephon Marbury. Ugghhh, it hurts)
1997: Paul Grant
1998: Rasho Nesterovic
1999: Wally World, William Avery
2000 - 2002: The barren years. Damn you secret contracts!
2003: The one, the only, Ndudi Ebi
2004: No first rounder
2005: Rashad McCants (maybe not a great player, but a great poet nonetheless)
2006: Brandon Roy (traded for Randy Foye and cash. Bleh. Gross)
2007: Corey Brewer (probably should have just acquired a science class skeleton instead)
2008: OJ Mayo (traded for Kevin Love, current man crush)

During these years, the Wolves have drafted some quality players (Allen, Roy), but have quickly, and stupidly, traded them away before they've ever donned the blue and green. Other players have been fairly good in moments (Wally, Love, Foye), but would never, ever, in millions of years, be defined as superstars.

Now, in just a manner of hours, the Wolves have the opportunity to change all that. They have the 5th, 6th, 18th, and 28th picks, and have a chance to pick a slew of quality players. Maybe we get some solid talent with each pick and build a team that is decent from top to bottom in a couple of years. Maybe we will find a diamond in the rough with the lower round picks. Anything is possible.

However, regardless of the selections, if the Timberwolves don't manage to get Spain's Ricky Rubio, I will be livid. I don't care if you have to trade all four picks to move up to #2 or #3 to make that selection. You have to do it, Mr. Kahn. Trade your children. Give Memphis your kidney. Do anything you can to get the 18 year old phenom. If we stay at #5 and select Tyreke Evans or James Harden, I may break down and fall into the fetal position.

I've been watching Rubio highlights on Youtube for almost a full year, salivating at the thoughts of him as our point guard. Dishes to Big Al and Love on the inside, lobs to Rodney Carney for alley oops, and the occasional three pointer have haunted my dreams for months. He will make the team entertaining to watch again. Although I love Big Al's old school moves, you're never going to say that it's exciting to see his drop step or baby hook. Steve Nash-like passes, however, are a totally different story.

So, over the next few hours, I will be reading every piece of rumor that I can find on the internets, hoping and praying that a certain floppy haired Spainard will be headed to the frozen tundra for the winter. Imagine chanting "Rubio, Rubio, Ru...bi...oooooooo!!! from the stands. Never have a been so excited to yell out lines from Hook.

Make this happen David Kahn. Make a splash. Change our awful, forgettable, draft history with one fell swoop. Rubio!!!!!!!!!!

Oh Mr Love

What up world,

The Wolves haven't played since Tuesday night, so I didn't think that I was going to have much to write about. I'm still attempting to wait until next week to start to discussing the amazingly cuddly Twins, and I have to ignore the Cutler to Chicago news so that I don't start punching myself in the face. I was stuck, until I came across something amazing in the Strib.

My man, K-Love, is now expanding his mighty talents into the world of cleaning products. Windex beware, Mr. Love glass cleaner has just hit, and it hits hard.



I haven't been this happy with a Youtube video in a while, and I've watched a lot of Youtube. I just received a request from Brent today for some hilarious new videos to watch. Well, here you go Brent. The K-Love point at the end makes the first four minutes well worth it. If I could wipe something down with the Love shammie cloth, I would be a happy man.

By the way, Brian Cardinal's stock just shot waayyy up in my book. While he may be the most expensive custodian in history, I would still pay for his cleaning services. If he was mopping the floor in my bathroom, I would definitely give him a couple of warning shots so that he could finish up, misky style.

-Sota

Local Celebrities

What up world,

One big advantage of having such an awful basketball team this late in the season is that there are plenty of good seats available at home games. The Timberwolves lost by 20 points to the Dallas Mavericks on Tuesday night. Nothing unusual about that. Blowout losses have become the expectation with the Wolves, rather than a cause of concern.

The reason that the game caught my eye was the presence of two local celebrities among the 12,111 people that were reportedly in attendance. These two figures are outstanding citizens in the local community. The work that they've done for the children of the Twin Cities is outstanding.

They are both extremely active in metro-area softball leagues and late-night Rockband sessions. Their dancing styles and love of scotch have caused them to become the ideal role models for young men throughout the state. Can you guess who it was?

That's right! It was none other than Nathan Andrew Lampi and Charles Carmichael Kroenenburg sitting directly behind the Wolves bench on Tuesday. Here is some blurry documentation of the event.



CoacHale would often look to them for advice throughout the contest. Kevin Love asked them whether he could play softball on ice with them next year. Mark Madsen asked if he could be part of the whole "Livin'" movement that was beginning to spread through the street of Eden Prairie. Randy Foye asked whether both of them regretted not attending Apple Valley High School (they both said yes to this).

You never know who you are going to see at a game. It could be Prince, it could be AP, or it could be a deadly combo of Lampi and CK. One can dream.

Belle of the Ball

What up world,

Mike Miller continues to defy the wishes of CoacHale and the rest of the Timberwolves faithful, scoring 22 points to lead the team to victory on Sunday over the New Jersey Nets. After nearly a full season of being awful, Miller decided that he would catch on fire for the last couple of weeks to further torment the Timberwolves fans.

Why Mike? Why would you do this? Currently we are 6th in the race for worst team in the league. Here are the current standings:

Washington: 17 and 58
Sacramento: 16 and 56
LA Clippers: 18 and 56
Memphis: 18 and 54
Oklahoma City: 20 and 53
Minnesota: 21 and 53

We can still dramatically improve our draft status with a couple of weeks of garbage. Randy Foye is on board. He sat out the game with a hip issue. Craig Smith sat out as well. Why do you feel the need to center of attention, Mike? Why do you need the spotlight to constantly be on your flowing locks?

That's it! That can be the only explanation. Mike Miller is a craven, obsessed attention hog. Ever since he lost the Mitchell, South Dakota Homecoming Queen title to Cindy Phillips in 1998, Mike has been trying to capture the attention of everyone around him. Even though he occasionally hit some big shots at the University of Florida, his butch hair cut was often rebuffed by his male suitors.



Even after growing out his hair to shoulder length and donning a stylish headband, he still didn't receive the notice that he craved.


Such a sad Mike.

He played for Orlando and Memphis for several years, shot pretty well, but was never satisfied. Not enough newspapers were writing about him. There were only three "Mike Miller" jerseys sold in seven years, and they were all hanging in Mike's extensive closet.

It wasn't until the draft of 2008 that Mike decided to take a different approach to his career. He was on his way to Minnesota in a trade for OJ Mayo. He was brought in to shoot three's and make high percentage shots. After all, in his 2007-2008 season at Memphis he shot .502 from the field and .432 from three-point range. Surely, with Big Al's inside presence, he would be able to have a lot of open looks and knock down some key shots.

But this was not in Mike's plans. He wanted people to finally notice him. His new tactic was to stop taking shots if possible. When he did take shots, he was going to make sure that they were bricks. He wanted people to look at him for the beautiful woman that he was, rather than a shooting specialist.



Well done Mike. Mission accomplished. Now that Al is out and the team should be focusing on losing at all costs, you've decided to grab the spotlight once again. You are the belle of the ball.

I don't think Miller is ever going to change. The only solution is to pay undue amounts of praise upon him, no matter what he may be doing. For the rest of the season, when he misses a shot, we should all applaud with fervor. Turnover? Yay!!! Fouling out? Standing Ovation!!!



It's up to you T-Wolves fans. Lets get this going.

-Sota

The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth

What up world,

Another day, another loss for the Timberwolves. Nothing unusual about that, right? If you take a closer look, however, you will notice that this wasn't just loss number 52 on the season. In an effort to shake things up, CoacHale (do you see what I did there?) benched his regular lineup at the onset of the game. His starting lineup was the following:

-Bobby "R&B Master" Brown
-Kevin "Back from the Grave" Ollie
-Brian "Big Bird" Cardinal
-Craig "Half Man/Half Animal" Smith
-Rodney "Boy II Man" Carney

McHale said that this wasn't a punishment for his regular starters. He thought that the team had been having lackluster starts and was generally tired from the number of minutes they had been playing. I see through the fog CoacHale. I know what you are really doing.

Tank attack y'all! Lottery here we come!!! Rubio! Thabeet! Don't deny it CoacHale. Keep doing what you're doing, but I think that you should probably let the entire team know of your intentions.

You see, the reserves must not have received the tanking memo last night. They led throughout the first half and deep into the third quarter. The collection of benchies got all plucky and felt entitled with the start. Rodney Carney tried to deliver his own brand of smooth R&B to his former team by making seven 3-pointers. Craig Smith led a rhino charge on the frontcourt of Philly, scoring 20 points.

Realizing that the reserves might actually win this game, McHale sent in his regular starters, who were fully on board with the lottery gameplan. Miller, Foye, Gomes, and Telfair failed miserably, which was exactly what was expected of them. They shot a combined 6 for 32, a staggering 18.7%, and ended up losing 88 to 96. CoacHale was so proud.


Such a happy CoacHale

Kevin Love made some remarks after the game, regarding the reserve's start. "Reward for those guys, punishment for us because we've been playing like doo-doo," he said. "I'm 20 years old, I can say that. We talk like that."

Yes you can K-Love. I encourage you to deliver further quotes like this. You should pick your boogies and wipe them on other players during the game. Go for a depants-ing. Make some fart noises with your armpit. These actions will do nothing but endear you further to your fans.

There are 10 games left in this miserable season. Finish it out with a strong losing streak, and I will be genuinely happy. Not only will it mean that you have a higher chance of getting a lottery pick, but it also means that I no longer have to write about your awfulness. Do that for me, T-Wolves.

-Sota

Victory is Ours

What up World,

The Bandits of Oklahoma City rolled into town this weekend. While the majority of the basketball loving world was watching their brackets and amazing 12th seeded teams, the Timberwolves and the Bandits squared off in the Target Center.

OKC was trying to avenge a 42 point loss that they suffered in Minneapolis in January, but failed to step back and see the larger picture. As of December 31st, 2008, the Bandits had won 4 total games and lost 29. The Timberwolves were slightly ahead of them with a record of 6 and 26. Then, the T-Wolves went all crazy balls in January, ripping off 10 wins and only 4 losses. Everything started to look good again. Colors looked brighter. Food tasted better. Sneaking into the playoffs looked like a slight possibility.

The Bandits started to play slightly better at this time as well, and the epic battle for last place in the Northwest division had begun. At the time, I was blinded by the improved play of the Wolves. It took until Big Al's injury to realize what was actually happening. Both teams have stockpiles of extra draft picks in the upcoming drafts. They are both young teams, that will theoretically start to get better in the upcoming seasons. Why are the Wolves killing themselves to get fourth place in the division? The team should be falling apart and being tanktastic.

McHale contacted the coach of the Bandits, none other than Scottie Brooks, captain of the White Man Hustle Team and former Timberwolves guard. McHale urged Scottie to start winning so that the T-Wolves would have a better chance of drafting Ricky Rubio or Thabeet. Scottie, still bleeding the Wolves' blue (with green highlights), happily complied with McHale's request.

Throughout the Spring, the Bandits have been improving. With a monstrous third quarter on Sunday, they helped the Wolves continue on their tanking ways and finally pulled even in the standings. Both teams are at 20 wins and 50 losses with a month left in the season.

Stick to the plan Wolves. Don't get too uppity. Lets see if we can run off 12 more losses, and complete the season on a successful note. Then, to complete our stellar year, reward McHale with a trip out of the country around the time of the draft. Put these things together, and we have a very impressive 2009.

-Sota

A Little of This...Some of That

What up World,

This is going to be a mixed bag o' stuff, as there is quite a bit going on in Vikings and Twins land, and not a whole lot in the miserable drudgery of the Timberwolves. A couple of quick thoughts on each of my teams.

Timberwolves: The team lost last night to the Spurs, without the presence of Timmy D or Manu G. Tony Parker continues to own us with his teardrop runners and speed of light movements. Tim Thomas had a double-double in the win, and apparently he doesn't enjoy holding hands with Jason Collins



Kevin Love had 17 points and 19 rebounds, for his 21st double-double of the season. I think if a player has more double-doubles than his age, he is having a fairly solid season. I'm not sure if the same rule applies to double-double hamburger orders from In-and-Out, but if it does, I am having a dominant winter.

The Wolves have 6 playoffs bound teams in the next 7 games. I foresee an excellent freefall in the standings in the next couple of weeks. Lose baby, lose!

Vikings: I have to admit that currently, I am obsessively following the saga of Jay Cutler and Denver. I love T-Jax and I have a strong desire to hang out with him on a daily basis, but I think that my love could easily be transferred to Cutler. He's a firey, young guy, with a cannon arm, that could be our quarterback for a long time.

He's receiving a lot of critism for throwing interceptions or not winning big games, which is very similar to the critism another quarterback received early in his career. This quarterback ended up tormenting the Vikings for the majority of my childhood, leading the 'team that shall not be named' to two Super Bowls and winning one of them. I'm not going to mention his name, but I'll give you some clues. He has a penchant for pain killers, Wrangler jeans, and killing small children's dreams.

Twins: There is a whole lot of news coming out of spring training for the T-Wins. Joe Mauer has a sore back from too much humping around, Joe Crede can't seem to find his swing, Jose Mijares apparently loves double-doubles as much as myself, Span is batting under .000, Cuddyer may not be as good as we thought, as well as thousands of other stories.

The excitement I had for the start of spring training has disipated somewhat. It seems like it has lasted for two months already, and I just want the games to freaking start. Than I can start writing about them for real, and escape the overwhelming depression that is the Timberwolves' season.

Other Stuff: I received an overwhelming response to the nickname column. There was a whopping 1 post, which shatters the record for the majority of my articles. The post was a quality one however, offering multiple nickname selections. Here is the list and my thoughts on each:

Meatloaf - I had forgotten that I was "meatloaf" for a year of my life, while I was living in Chicago. I enjoyed the nickname, hearing it repeatedly yelled at me while I hid out in the basement of my apartment. It would have been that much better if an actual meatloaf had been prepared for dinner. Then Brent could have yelled, "Meatloaf, get your meatloaf."

SM2 (Scissor Master 2) - I enjoyed my time as part of the scissor master team, spreading the scissoring love movement across the nation. However, I don't know if I would like it to be a permanent nickname. First of all, it is a long one. The best nicknames are short and sweet, one or two syllables at most. Secondly, the name implies that I was an equal scissoring "master". I cannot pretend that I was at the same level at Brent or Jaimie. I was more a "scissor apprentice" or "scissor in training".

Queer Moe Dee - I love this nickname. There is no specific meaning, other than the combination of an 80's rapper and making fun of me for being gay. The only hesitation that I have is that I'm not actually gay, and I slowly trying to repair my image in that sense. In my last year in Chicago, I received a Sammy the Sailor Christmas ornament, a man-thong for my birthday, and a birthday cake that was served to me by three shirtless guys with whipped cream on their nipples. A nickname like Queer Moe Dee might not help my reputation.

Roomie - Simple and short, but not as unique as some of the others. Also, it might force me to move back to Chicago and start living in the basement again.

Dorkus Malorkus - I've spoken to Brent about this choice. It works well, even though it is longer than some of the other options. The only drawback is that Brent called other people this while he was in third grade. This means that this name is not unique to me. Anyone could be DM.

FOB (Friend of Brent) - This works well, as I already have a t-shirt that proclaims this fact, and I am a friend of Brent. Brent hates pretty much everyone, including Gingers, Leffers, Oppos, and Moons, so this is a fairly exclusive club. I think that this may be my selection for now.

That is all for now. If you would like an article written about you, all you have to do is leave a comment. I have two regular readers, one has received a call out, one hasn't. I need a post Mark. Post!

-Sota (FOB)

WGTKY - Ryan Gomes

What up world,

The Timberwolves had a fairly solid week considering that they only have a couple of players that aren't injured or close to their death bed. My secret man-crush, K-Love, spent the majority of the weekend shedding pounds with the bulimic diet, while Foye sensually massaged his own hip and Carney's iced his sore man-parts.

Because of the number of injuries, I was amazed to see that the Wolves pulled out wins against Memphis and Charlotte. I checked the box score, and noticed a name that I have payed very little attention to throughout the season. Ryan Gomes has been consistently starting, and putting up some serious numbers lately, but I know so little about him. As such, a WGTKY seems to make perfect sense. So, without further ado...

WGKTY-Ryan Gomes addition!!!!



Ryan Gomes was born in 1982 in Waterbury, Connecticut and played his college ball at Providence. He was a dominant force of nature there for four years, and was originally projected as a late first round/early second round pick for the NBA draft. In the 2005 draft, Gomes fell to the 50th overall pick, well behind the two T-Wolves selections of Rashad McCants(14th) and Bracey Wright(47th).


#14. Booooooo


#47. Booooooooooo


#50. Yesssssssssssss

Angered by his fall, Gomes joined a group called the "Seeds of Destruction". The 'Seeds' spread despair and destruction to anyone that defied them. For two seasons, he played in Boston with fellow 'Seeds' member Ricky Davis, while putting up fairly consistent numbers. He was named a member of the All-Rookie Second Team in 05-06 and played regular minutes for the Celtics in 06-07.


Seeds of Destruction members were not allowed to wear shirts.
Ricky Davis is pure evil...

At the apex of his 'Seeds' destruction, he made a comment following a loss to the Milwaukee Bucks, late in the 06-07 season. When asked why he wasn't taken off the bench during the fourth quarter, Gomes said, "I probably (would have played), but since we were in the hunt for a high draft pick, of course things are different."

His destructive tendencies had led to him trying to reveal the secret plot of the Celtics to tank at the end of the season. Angry, Danny Ainge promptly traded Gomes to the Timberwolves as part of the trade that shall not be named.

It was during the 07-08 season in Minnesota that Gomes realized the error of his ways. Instead of trying to spread sorrow and anger through the "Seeds of Destruction", he started a group called the "Seeds of Peace". The new 'Seeds' now meet with inner city youth to try and resolve conflict.



At the same time as the inception of the new 'Seeds', Gomes started to play more and more. He averaged nearly 30 minutes per game in 07-08 and about 32 in 08-09. He averages 14 points and 5 rebounds per game in the current season, with a serious uptick in the last couple of weeks. He is a consistent starter and a key cog to future teams.

In addition to Seeds of Peace, Gomes also donated a number of Automatic External Defibrillators to local hospitals and hosts free youth basketball clinics in the Minneapolis area. He also saves puppies and butterflies in his spare time.

After a rocky start to his career, it seems that Gomes has found his niche in Minnesota. It is only a matter of time before he dons his "Seeds of Peace" superhero outfit and fights crime in the streets of the Twin Cities. Naturally, I will be his trusty sidekick. It's going to happen.


-Sota

This is My Chance

What up world,

The Timberwolves suffered yet another loss last night to the Washington Wizards. They've now lost 10 of the last 11, and may have lost another starter for the rest of the season. Things are going exactly according to plan! Lottery pick, here we come!

Randy Foye went down with a severe ankle sprain, and had to be helped off the court and through the locker room after the game. Also, Rodney Carney sat out the second half with a lower body contusion (he bruised his butt). Of our current roster, we now have three starters that are out for the season; Al Jefferson, Corey Brewer, and now Foye, with Carney most likely out for a couple of games.

After a long season, many of the Timberwolves are struggling each night. There are only 19 games remaining in the season, and the wear and tear is starting to show. I've listed the remaining roster and some of the nagging injuries that are affecting them:

1. Bobby Brown: Too much humping around.
2. Brian Cardinal: Premature balding.
3. Jason Collins: Inflamed Awfulness.
4. Ryan Gomes: Gonorrhea-syphilaids.
5. Kevin Love: Fat fingers.
6. Mark Madsen: Albinism.
7. Mike Miller: Woman, trapped in man's body.
8. Kevin Ollie: Already died of natural causes.
9. Craig Smith: Gigantism, of everything.
10. Sebastian Telfair: Benjamin Button disease.
11. Shelden Williams: Homesick for his alien world.

For the next couple of weeks, there are only 11 men on the Timberwolves roster, most of whom are hurting as well. What is the team going to do? Sign NBA D-leaguers to 10-day contracts? Please. That is what everyone is expecting them to do. I think that they are going to start accepting walk-ons and pulling random people out of the stands. That way, they will be getting the fans involved and ensuring that they won't win a game for the rest of the season. Ricky Rubio, welcome to Minnesota.

In anticipation of this move, I've decided to throw my hat in the ring. I've sent an email to the personnel department, asking to be part of the team. Here is the actual email below:

After seeing the results of the game last night, it seems to me that the Timberwolves are going to be struggling for players. With Randy Foye, Al Jefferson, Corey Brewer, and Rodney Carney out for significant amounts of time, you have a number of roster spots to fill.

I would like to volunteer to play for the team. A few of my qualifications:

-I was a member of the Apple Valley traveling basketball team, while in middle school.
-I play in pick up games every couple of months.
-I won the last HORSE competition I was involved in.
-I once made 14 free throws in a row.
-I can dribble with both hands.

I can already envision myself cheering the starters alongside Mark Madsen. I can create some original cheers or handshakes that would be vital to team morale.

Please let me know what the next steps are in this process. I look forward to being the next member of the Timberwolves!



I will keep you updated on this process, unless there is some team rule about divulging all of our sweet game plans and team cheers of course. Then, I'll try to communicate with all of you through coded messages in the media. My future career just started.

-Sota

Horror at its Finest

What up world,

There was an article in the Strip this week, equating the game tape from the Timberwolves' Tuesday night loss to Golden State to a horror film. I was intrigued by this, and managed to get my hands on the film. Lets just say that I have some pull. Last night, with a bowl of popcorn and a darkened room, I settled down to watch the video.

Let me say this, I have never been more frightened in my life. It was like the first time that I saw the Shining, and then spent months refusing to enter a bathroom with a closed shower curtain. I may have peed myself at one point. I will do my best to describe the storyline of the game tape below, but beware, it may leave you huddled in the corner, sucking your thumb.

The movie followed a pretty typical horror format. The Timberwolves' parents were out of town for the evening, and they decided to have a little party. There was a little drinking, some "truth or dare", and some general naughtiness. Kevin Love and the hot chick (Mike Miller) may have spent 7 minutes in heaven at one point.


Mark Madsen dancing at the party

Little did they know that, while they were partying in the basement, Nellie and a a group of Warriors had ascended from the depths of hell, and were slowly creeping towards them. One by one, the members of the Timberwolves would venture off into the darker areas of the Target Center and never return. Some of the first bloody deaths are listed below:

-Corey Brewer went outside to catch some fresh air, and was brutally clubbed in the knee, causing his skeletal frame to break into a thousand pieces.

-Al Jefferson had gotten a little too drunk and was throwing up in the bathroom. Warrior Adris Biedrins found him there and began chopping off his limbs, one by one.

-Sebastian Telfair was trying to convince some of his teammates that he was a legitimate basketball player when Corey Maggette entered the room and stabbed him in the crotch.

At this point, some of the Timberwolves started to realize that something was going wrong. They began to get frightened due to the absence of the their friends, Al Jefferson specifically. Mark Madsen, Shelden Williams, and Brian Cardinal decided to go look for Al. While searching through the depths of the Target Center, they were confronted by Coach Don Nelson. The epitome of evil, Nellie hates slow, plodding big guys. Consumed by rage, he decided to devour the three Timberwolves in one of the most terrifying and gory scenes ever recorded on film.

While this was happening, the hot chick decided that she was going to try and escape from the Target Center. Mike Miller started running through the darkened hallways, searching for an exit, screaming and running her fingers through her long and flowing hair.



Suddenly, she heard some noises from one of the concession stands, and decided to inspect the situation further. As she approached the area, Stephen Jackson sprung up from behind the counter, throwing burning hot nacho cheese on Mike's face. As Stephen was cutting off pieces of Mike's body and dipping them in the cheese, he yelled over and over again, "You can't guard me!"


Stephen Jackson, showing where Mike Miller is located now.

There were a series of equally brutal murders throughout the evening. Randy Foye was decapitated, Rodney Carney was hung from the rafters, and Kevin Ollie died of old age.


RIP Kevin Ollie. You were old.

One by one, the Timberwolves were killed off, until the only remaining member of the team remaining was Kevin Love.

Through grit and hustle, Kevin had managed to stave off the Warrior attacks. He waddled around the Target Center, avoiding any confrontation. He entered into the locker room, and found Crunch standing in one the lockers. Here is a recap of the conversation:


Love: Crunch! Thank God. I need your help and enthusiasm. The Warriors are killing us.

Crunch starts pounding a drum, encouraging Kevin to start the "De-fense" chant.

Love: Defense? Yes, that's a great idea Crunch. We need to set up some sort of defense, but I don't know how. I haven't played defense my entire life!

Crunch motions for Kevin to give him a hug.

Love: Thank you Crunch. I need a hug right now.

As they are hugging, Crunch starts to bite Kevin's shoulder.

Love: Crunch! What are you doing? That hurts!

Crunch continues to bite, taking a large bite from Kevin's shoulder.

Love: Crunch! Why?!?

Slowly, Crunch pulls off his mascot head, revealing a smiling Nellie underneath.

Love: You aren't Crunch at all! You're Don Nelson!

Don Nelson: That's right slow white man. And now I'm going to eat you.

Love: Noooooooo!!!


Evil Don Nelson, after consuming four of the slowest, whitest Timberwolves.
That includes you, Shelden.

Nellie closes in on a struggling Kevin, and the movie fades to black. I sat in the pool of my own urine, in a darkened room, trying to make sense of what I had just seen. The Timberwolves season had been murdered in cold blood by the Warriors. I haven't slept since last night, because I'm convinced that Nellie and the rest of his team will show up in my nightmares.

I'm not sure when I will be able to sleep again. Not after watching the game from Tuesday. The team is making a west coast trip this weekend. Maybe there will be a sequel where the Timberwolves battle back against the evil forces of the Lakers and Trailblazers. Or maybe, it will be another bloody, gory mess that leaves me trembling in the dark once again. We will see.

-Sota

Choosing a Nickname

What up world,

Throughout my entire life, I've always wanted a nickname. Something that would define me and confuse people that I meet for the first time. Even the use of my last name would have been acceptable, however, due to the uniqueness of my first name, I've gone through life so far as just Micah. The only nicknames that I've received have been self-imposed. I tried to get people to call me Awesome for a while, but it didn't stick. Sota would work, but the only people that read this blog are Brent and Mark, which doesn't translate to a dramatic shift in my persona.

There is a flip side to this as well. While I've always wanted a unique and defining nickname, some people retain nicknames from embarrassing moments in their life or have some extremely unflattering names attached to them. There was a girl that I worked with in college that we called "Sausage" due to a night of excessive drinking and some unfortunate photographs. I don't think that she has ever recovered from this attachment.

When I first started watching the Timberwolves, my favorite player was Jerome Richardson, otherwise known as "Pooh". Pooh Richardson was the first draft pick of the Wolves, taken 10th in the 1989 draft. I watched him play in the seats of the Metrodome, while the Target Center was still under construction. For three seasons, I gathered every piece of news about Pooh, putting posters on my walls and collecting basketball cards. He was my KG before KG arrived.


The Wolves wore a one-piece jersey at this time. Nice legs Pooh.

Throughout my burgeoning obsession, I always wondered why he kept the nickname Pooh. I was in elementary school at the time, and the thought of my favorite players name would make me giggle throughout cursive writing class. My dad would ask if I wanted to go to a game. I would ask, "Can I cheer for Pooh?" and then laugh my ass off. At the games I would yell out things like, "Yeah Pooh!" or "Pooh is a good shooter" and think that I was hilarious. I couldn't believe that I wasn't being reprimanded for saying the word 'Poo' over and over again.

While I continue to hope that I am defined by a nickname some day, I'm hoping that it won't be something like Pooh, or Booger, or any other bodily fluid. I'm leaving the work up to you, the vast number of readers out there. Throw your suggestions in the comments, and I will decide on which nickname I like best. Make me proud.

-Sota

My Badd

What up world,

I don't know how this escaped my attention for so long, but I failed to realize that I have been overlooking a huge star on our team. Well known, early 90's boy band member, Kevin Love has been quietly building a nice rookie NBA season while also serenading the ladies of the Twin Cities with smooth R&B lyrics.



I had been focusing on Rodney Carney's group Boys II Men, and the addition of former New Edition member Bobby Brown, and ignoring the fact that the lead singer of Color Me Badd has been on the roster all season.


Kevin Love pictured in the middle back

Kevin has changed his look a little since Color Me Badd was releasing hits like, "I Wanna Sex You Up", "I Adore Mi Amor", and "All 4 Love", but the smoothly edged facial hair remains. Who knew that he would make such a successful transition from crooner to rebounder?


K-Love, just chillin'

So we now have three essential members of the New Jack Swing era of R&B. I sense something huge happening in the Twin Cities. They may not play that great a brand of basketball, but they can lay down some mean tracks. I haven't quite figured out the best name for the group yet. It will have to be something that involves misspelled words or numbers in place of words. Something like "Fresh 2 Death" or "4 Da Ladiezz". I'm definitely open to suggestions.

The picture below was taken at the moment McHale learned that Love, Brown, and Carney were forming their group and putting on a concert in the veranda of Mall of America. He's so excited.



-Sota

Strange Breu

What up world,

While writing my last post, I was thinking back at some of my first experiences at Timberwolves games. I was always really excited to head to the Target Center, particularly because of the variety of food choices that my father would purchase for me. My dinner on those evenings typically included a personal pizza, french fries, a soft pretzel, and maybe some ice cream for desert. The sugar high that I would experience would actually cause me to hallucinate and go on a spiritual journey. On one of these occasions, where my high was making me a little jittery and paranoid, I was confronted by this guy.



I thought I was seeing a monster. He was either a daddy long legs in human form or some perverse Frankenstein creature. I was convinced that he was going to enter the stands and start tearing the limbs off of fans. Later, after I had come down from my high, I realized he was an actual member of the Timberwolves roster.

His name is Randy Breuer. He is a Minnesota native, coming out of Lake City and attending the U of M in the early 80's. Randy was a member of the team from 1989 through 1992, spreading nightmarish visions to thousands of youths throughout the Twin Cities. He was a 7'3" center, weighing 230 pounds. He was a skeleton with a jersey on. Just as a point of reference, I've listed the heights and weights of some of the centers around the league currently:

Yao Ming: 7'6" 310 pounds
Shaquille O'Neil: 7'1" 325 pounds
Greg Oden: 7'0" 285 pounds
Brook Lopez: 7'0" 260 pounds
Andrea Bargnani: 7'0" 250 pounds (and he's European)

I think that Breuer was so light because he had the body of a normal sized human being, but limbs that were equipped for a 10' tall man. He was a living, breathing stick person, making his sky hook quite deadly. The addition of the ridiculously short uniforms only accentuated this fact.



To add to this, he looked like he was about 20 years older than he actually was. I had never seen a balding basketball player until Randy Breuer. It seemed shocking to me that someone that looked older than my father was on center court. He played alongside Scottie Brooks, who looked like he could pass for a third grader, making Randy's advanced aging all that more apparent.



Strange Breu made an appearance at the Lakers game this week, to mark the 20th anniversary of the Timberwolves. I didn't see any pictures of the current Randy, but I can only assume that he has continued to grow and age simultaneously. His arms and legs are now 15' long, and he looks like he's 130 years old. That's my best guess.

Be warned if you seek out current pictures of Randy. Save yourself from the nightmares and cold sweats. You've been warned.

-Sota

First Loves

What up world,

There is so much going on in the Minnesota sporting world right now. So many topics to choose from. Here's a quick recap:

-The Twins have finally made some moves, and are one step closer to their goal of have a full roster of Joe's (current count; 4, counting Jose Mijares).

-The Vikes are contemplating adding some herbal healing to their quarterback roster. Get it? Sage. Brilliant!

-The Wild seem to be doing some stuff, but I don't really follow them too closely.

Regardless of all these other events, I want to continue focusing on the Timberwolves. They are losing more than a Biggest Loser contestant and don't seem to have any hope of a successful season, but for some reason, I've fallen back in love with the team.

The Timberwolves were my first love. In the formative years of my youth, I dealt with pressure from my parents to cheer for the Packers while also suffering through the many losing seasons of the mid-90's Twins. I felt lost and confused. I didn't know where to turn.

I had been attending Timberwolves games with my dad since the 1987 inagural season. I had watched Scottie Brooks, Pooh Richardson, Gerald Glass, and Randy Breuer struggle through the first couple of seasons in Minneapolis, but I still had their posters on my walls and continued to watch their games. I even went to the Timberwolves basketball camp in 5th grade. I was getting butterflies in my stomach and writing the team love notes.

And then, in 1995, with the drafting of a player from Farragut Career Academy, I was head over heels. Throughout the late 90's and 2000's, I was obsessed with the team. KG made me believe in the power of hoops. One of the happiest moments of my life was when the Wolves beat the Sacramento Kings in 2004 to advance to the western conference finals. Although the team ended up losing to the Lakers in the next series, there was a moment where I felt like we had won a championship. Minnesota fans have to find their victories wherever they can find them.

As I wrote in a previous post, the breakup with KG was really hard. It wasn't until the January win streak that I thought I might be able to revisit my previous relationship. Since that time, the Timberwolves and I have had long talks, some emotional moments, and even a couple of drunk dials, which has resulted in a newfound affection for the team.

For now, all of my blogging efforts will focus on the Wolves. Even through the many loses that will accumulate in the next couple of months. I am committed to reestablishing this relationship and will push all of my energy and affection in their direction...

...until the Twins start playing again. I can't help myself. They're so cuddly.

-Sota

We Hardly Knew Thee

What up world,

Rashad McCants is no longer a member of the Timberwolves. I know, it's sad. No longer will we be able to watch him throw up errant shots, no longer will we be connected to the Kardashian family, no longer will we hear the sweet, touching words of his poetry...

(this is actual poetry from Mccants. It's about meeting KG)

he came to me with open arms, like a hawk embracing his young,
and he fed me food out his mouth but I was starving for knowledge.
the type of knowledge that can't be fed by hand or voice, but by heart.
so when he spoke he touched my soul, and my soul would smack me if I didn't listen
the words he spoke weren't for the ears to hear.

On Thursday, Shaddy and Calvin Booth were traded to Sacramento for Shelden Williams and Bobby Brown. I was more upset to see Booth go than McCants. There was so much potential for humor when dealing with Booth. See pic below:



That's amazing. I'm laughing as I look at this picture. I had an entire WGTKY piece already prepared for him. It's too bad. Anyway, here is a brief montage of memories with Shaddy.



Now to the happy part. Although we are losing some key humorous pieces to the team, we are acquiring so much more in return. On our roster, we now have a space monster and one of the greatest R&B singers of our generation. Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to present, Shelden Williams and Bobby Brown:




Oh, it's amazing. Shelden Williams played college ball at the epicenter of evil; Duke University. He's somehow married to Candace Parker of Tenessee and WNBA fame. If fact, it was recently announced that the Landlord has impregnated Candace with the couple's first alien baby. Congratulations to the happy couple.



Seriously, how did this happen?

Bobby Brown played at Cal State Fullerton, where he was the school's all time leading scorer. He was undrafted and was signed by the Kings after a good showing in the NBA summer camps. Bobby also had several number one R&B hits throughout the 80's and early 90's. He started with the boy band New Edition and eventually moved on to a solo career. Several of his hits include Candy Girl, My Perogative, and Humping Around.



So we currently have one of the founder members of Boys II Men and Bobby Brown on our roster. We may not make the playoffs, but we are going to have sweet half time entertainment. I can't wait to see what happens.

-Sota