I Heart Target

Target is fantastic. It’s like a candyland for adults. Ooo, look over here! It’s a packet of boxer briefs! Oh, and do you see those? Digital cameras! Did you hear that they have groceries now? Why would we ever leave? What else could Target possibly do?

What’s that? What did you say? Target has a field? I know that there is some sort of Target Center, but there’s nothing there but a nuclear waste zone. Talk to me about this Target Field.

It’s a baseball stadium? You don’t say. Who plays there? The Twins? But I thought they played in a giant marshmallow. No? They moved? When? This year? How did they do?

They won the AL Central with giant bats, good defensive play, and what…

No, I don’t believe it. He was so awful after the trade. I cried for a full 162+ plus games whenever I saw the Rays play. You’re telling me that the Delmonic had a good season? He can actually hit? He still runs like someone surgically replaced his lower half with chunks of wood and duct tape, right? Okay, that makes me feel slightly better.

What else happened?

Thome? Jim Thome? He’s back again? I thought he retired in 2003 and was being fed grapes by supermodels and ruling small countries with his massive forearms and pull power. How did he do? 25 home runs?!?! How many at bats? Only 271? Dear Lord! I say that we make him honorary governor or at least put his face on the state flag. It’s the least that we can do.

Tell me more…

Pavano…I know that I know that name, but I’m not sure where I’ve heard it before. Carl Pavano… Wasn’t he a Yankee? Yeah! Wait, you’re telling me that a player went from the Yankees to the Twins? That’s not how it’s supposed to happen. Yankees – Indians – Twins. Oh, okay. That makes a little more sense. He has a 3.60 ERA and he’s our number 2 starter? Awesome. Obviously our savior Saint Francisco is our number 1, right?

There’s more? You’re telling me that Carl Pavano has a mustache, which earned him a nomination for the ”Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year” award, and prompted Little Nicky Punto to grow a mustache of his own? I love the Pavstache idea, but I’m not so sure about the Punto sized stache. How can something so manly be associated with something so cute and cuddly? That would be like a bunny shooting a handgun, while chewing, and riding a motorcycle. It doesn’t seem right.

So the Twins, who are now playing outdoor baseball, have won the AL Central and are heading to the playoffs with an awesome lineup, a halfway decent rotation, and homefield advantage through the ALDS? Why the F am I still in California?

I love you Target. Your massive selection, somewhat clean stores, and amazing baseball team is enough reason for me to move back home. Now, if you could just convince my girlfriend…

-Sota