Did you see what I did there? With the title? Very creative, right? I'm chuckling to myself, and humming Marvin Gaye, as I write this. Regardless of your thoughts on the title, or of me in general, this is the perfect time to introduce you to my newest man-crush on the Minnesota Vikings. That's right! It's WGTKY, the Percy Harvin edition!!!!
For those that are not regular readers of Sota Love, a WGTKY (Wanna Get to Know You) segment delves into the world of a specific Minnesota sports figure, prior to their time in the Great White North. Here are a few of the initial characters that we've focused on in our WGTKY segment:
-Rodney Carney
-Kevin Love
-Ryan Gomes
-Joe Mauer
-Brendan Harris
-Orlando Carbrera
I would like to continue this fine tradition with none other than William Percival Harvin III. This future phenom of the Vikings was born in Virginia Beach, Virginia, to his mother, Linda, and father (you guessed it) William Percival Harvin, Jr.
Percy has been fast, and elusive, from the moment of his birth. As rumor has it, he began life by sprinting out of his mother's womb, eluding the grasping hands of the maternity ward doctors, scoring a touchdown, and hooking up with, not one, but two members of the nursing staff, before settling into the welcoming arms of his mother. Percy was born to fly.
Throughout his childhood, Percy demonstrated his propensity for domination. He won a Pop Warner National Championship at the age of 13, a state championship as a junior in High School, and a BCS Championship for Florida both as a Freshman and Junior. He is widely credited with scoring every touchdown and accounting for every yard for each team that he has played with. He played defensive lineman for a period of time in high school, destroying opposing quarterbacks with 104 sacks over the course of the season. There was one game, in his last season at the University of Florida, in which Percy was the only player on the field on both offense and defense. Final score; Florida Percy's 76, Tennessee Volunteers 3.
As with many superheroes, Percy possesses one distinct weakness. Even with all of the domination on the football field, the countless hours he spends performing charitable acts, and his part-time job as an astronaut, there is still a less desirable side to this superstar. It's hard to believe, but Percy has a thing for weed.
I'm sorry to bring it up, but it was something that I felt was necessary. You demand full disclosure, and I'm here to deliver. Percy tested positive for marijuana at the NFL combine, hurting his draft status, allowing him to fall to the Vikings as the 22nd pick in the 2009 draft. I've had numerous conversations with Percy regarding these events since they occurred. He regrets his actions, and offered me a brief explanation.
1) Percy Harvin moves at such lightening fast speeds, that without the help of marijuana, football games would be unfairly tilted in his team's direction. The weed slows him down to a somewhat human-like speed. He would be like that kid from The Incredibles without it. He doesn't want to crush the spirits of the opposing team too badly.
2) His desire to play for the Vikings was too strong. He had run out of options, and chose to get caught with marijuana in his system. Percy is far too intelligent to be apprehended for something this ridiculous. It was an intentional move, made to be a part of the purple and gold.
3) He was listening to Bob Marley, while watching the sunset, after spending the day playing Frisbee-Golf. It was the logical next move.
So, while testing positive for marijuana does not improve his perceived character in the eyes of the public, it was mostly justifiable. I've told him that he can continue his smoking habits if he wants, provided that he keeps it out of the medias' hands for the duration of his stay with the Vikings. He's agreed, possibly hinting that he might stop altogether, to focus on embarrassing every other team in the NFL.
I'm sure that all of us can agree that this is the best course of action. With Purple Jesus as our running back, Old Man River as our QB, and Percy "Sexual Healing" Harvin in our receiving corp., I see only good things for the rest of the season.
It's good to get to know you Mr. Harvin. Help me forget about the pain that T-Jack inflicted upon my heart last season. Continue on with your dominating ways.
-Sota
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