Road Weary

What up world,

Another day, another road loss. The Twins are now 5 and 15 away from the friendly, temperature controlled confines of the Metrodome, giving them the worst record in the league. Worse than Oakland and Colorado. Worse than the Washington Nationals, who have won only 13 games total. It's gross. I understand that traveling can be difficult, but I think with some proper planning, the team could be better prepared. For this purpose, I've decided to talk to a few of the key players, to provide something of a mental checklist for the games. Conversation recaps are below:

Scottie Baker: After giving up another three run dinger last night, you really need to get your act together, Scottie. In the three games that you've pitched on the road, you have an ERA over 8 and you've given up 7 home runs. 7!!! In three games! I'm sorry to yell. No, don't cry. Just make sure that you pack Cuddles and go to sleep as early as possible. You need your 10 hours, Scottie.

Saint Francisco: Your holiness, I'm sorry to have to say this, but you've stunk on the road. Like a skunk that's been baking in the sun for a few days. You have a 7.62 ERA and have given up 20 walks in 26 innings pitched. That's not you. You were supposed to be our ace, and people are starting to question their faith. Remember to bring along your holy water, and take the necessary time to bless the mound before starting the game. I still believe Saint! Show me a sign!

Jesse Crain: I want you to be good. I want people to stand and cheer for you when you enter a game. I want you to throw 1,000 mph fastballs that have some sort of movement on them. I want people to wear fake versions of your dirty goatee, like they do with Jo Jo Ma's sideburns. A great way for this to happen is to not lose games. Especially on the road. My advice: Eat some extra flapjacks with an extra dose of maple syrup at the start of the game (ed. note; he's from Canada).

Mike Redmond: I think that we can both agree that the team is playing a little tight right now. We need wins, but we can't play that way. That's why I'm instituting naked Red-Dog time for every road trip. I will let you decide when and where you would like to present yourself, whether that is during batting practice, in the locker room, or throughout the hotel hallways. What I do know is that naked time needs to happen.

Carlos Gomez, Brendan Harris, Matt Tolbert, Delmon Young: Stop sucking.

Jo Jo Ma: Jo Jo, you are awesome. Can you please spread some of your awesomeness to other members of the team?

I had a conference call with the entire team, encouraging them to remember their toothbrushes and to get a decent amount of sleep. Gomez even agreed to stop making forts in his room until the wee hours of the night.

The situation had grown dire enough that I even decided to post on the weekend. And that never happens. However, after the pep talk and some soul searching, I think that things are going to start turning around, starting with the game this afternoon. Let's be some road warriors boys.