What up world,
The Perkolator had an amazing day. He boarded the Twin's secret jet in the City of Kansas's on Sunday in order to witness the birth of his first child. Sunday evening, future percolator, Lyla Cynthia Perkins was born. Glen told me that the raw emotions he felt were like nothing he had ever experienced in his life before. He was now the protector of this human life, and she was not going to date any boys until she was at least 21. If he caught some boy creeping into his daughters room he was going to throw a 95 mph heater at his face.
Prior to the game yesterday, The Perk was talking with some of the visiting Yankees. He was showing them pictures of his newborn and beaming like any new father should. A-Rod and Jeter both looked at the pictures, and commented that they thought she was just beautiful. Slightly disturbed by this The Perk moved over to new Yanks, Xavier Nady and Richie Sexson. Upon seeing the pictures, Nady said, "Oh she is so cute, I just want to hold her." Sexson commented, "You should bring her to the next game. I want to play a little peek-a-boo with her. Sexson style."
The Perk quickly grabbed the pictures. His anger had risen to substantial levels at this point. He moved over to former teammate, Sir Sid Ponson. Clearly smelling of alcohol, Sir Sid looked at the pictures and said, "God I'd love to make out with that. Maybe a few drinks on the beach would get her in the mood."
The Perkolator was furious. This was his daughter, who is not to date any boys until she's at least 21. "She was less than 24 hours old" he thought, "and the entire New York Yankees team wants to get into her diapers."
It was time to show these pervs who the father of this child really was, Perkolater style. The children of the Twin Cities rejoiced. It was time for the Perkolator.
Inning by inning The Perk showed the Yanks to their seats. Sexson, sit down. You too Christian and Cano. A-Rod, how about a double play? He pitched 8 innings of fatherly work, glaring at the Yankee dugout after each inning.
After the eighth, Joseph Nathan approached him. Joe is a father of a young daughter as well. He had heard what the Yankees said prior to the game and was furious. The Perk saw his anger and offered the ninth inning to him. Joe stalked out to the mound, twitchy as ever. 17 pitches later, there were three more Yanks that were sent back to their seats.
Still upset after the game, Nathan decided to donate $500,000 to his alma mater for a new baseball field. It will be called, "Touch My Daughter and Die Field"
One more note. Adam Everett decided to stop being so mousy last night and went long on Sir Sid. With the Perkolator percolating, Nathan being extra twitchy, Everett's long shot, and the White Sox running for the lives away from Beckett, the Twins are back in first. Holla
-Sota
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
The Olympics are Awesome
What up world,
Quick weekend recap for the Twinks. I thought that a sweep was in the works for sure. I was hungover Sunday once again, and decided that there would be nothing better than the boys bringing out the brooms in the City of Kansas's. Things looked great through 7, but once again our bullpen decided to increase their reputation for road suckness. And I'm not talking road head. Even with the poor pitching, I still thought we might pull it out, until the Rat decided to go Mr. Fumbles on us. Throw to first Everett. Don't make Scottie Baker cry again.
In addition to keeping an eye on the Twins progress throughout the weekend, I dedicated a bit of time to watching the Olympics. I love the Olympics. Winter, summer, I don't care. There are certain sports that I enjoy watching over others, but if there is competition on tv, I'm going to be glued to it. I even watched synchronized diving for a bit yesterday. Synchronized diving? Hell yes.
I didn't get a chance to watch all of the opening ceremonies, but from the portion that I caught, it was absolutely amazing. Human cube operations. Giant doves made of people with Christmas lights on. Fireworks. Unbelievable. The only issue that I had was that in the middle of the dove was a Chinese piano player who was described as a "Superstar" in China. In the US, would we ever have a piano player that was a superstar? Sure there is Billy Joel and Elton John among others, but I think they are more popular for their songs and their flowing sequined gowns than for their piano playing. I found this on the piano player, Lang Lang:
He scares me. I'm straight up frightened of his music that can apparently throw punches and fireballs. Despite Lang Lang, my conclusion on the opening ceremonies: awesome.
So far I've watched a little of everything, but I've mainly focused on swimming. I watched a little gymnastics as well, but mainly because I'm amazed at how tiny they are. The star of the women's team, Shawn Johnson, is 4'9". The tallest member of the team in 5'3". The Chinese team's average size is 4'9" and 77 pounds. Really? I think that gymnasts should have a special size category between dwarfs and regular sized people.
I floundered around a pool for a while in high school, so I love watching swimming events and comparing their times to mine. If I swam one length of the pool, I might be able to beat some members of the team. Provided, of course, that they swim two lengths while wearing jeans and a flannel shirt.
Last night I was watching the prime time coverage of the swimming events. I was hungover and wanting to sleep. I hadn't showered, and my hair still smelled of the beer that had been dumped on me from the night before. I felt terrible, but I was excited about the 4X100 relay. I was forcing myself to stay awake for it. After watching a lot of races in high school, world championships, Olympic trials, and others, I thought that the French were going to win for sure. They were ahead by half a body length on the final leg. No way that this could happen.
As they were coming into the last half length and Jason Lezak went Aquaman on France, I started yelling at the tv. Why was I swearing at the screen while sitting in Chicago? The only people that could hear me were my sleeping roommates and the baby sleeping in the apartment next to me. Lezak, who was under water on the other side of the world, couldn't have heard my encouraging stream of cuss words. It doesn't matter. I'm convinced that my cheering pushed him into the wall.
If you thought Michael Phelps reaction was a bit extreme (maybe a little frightening), it was nothing compared to mine. I tripped and fell to my bedroom floor when I jumped out of my desk chair. There were various items of my room that were flying everywhere. I threw a dodgeball against my wall. Why would I do that? I'm not entirely sure. It was a brief moment of insanity, but I'm still smiling about the results. I can't wait for the rest of the Games.
Go USA.
-Sota
Quick weekend recap for the Twinks. I thought that a sweep was in the works for sure. I was hungover Sunday once again, and decided that there would be nothing better than the boys bringing out the brooms in the City of Kansas's. Things looked great through 7, but once again our bullpen decided to increase their reputation for road suckness. And I'm not talking road head. Even with the poor pitching, I still thought we might pull it out, until the Rat decided to go Mr. Fumbles on us. Throw to first Everett. Don't make Scottie Baker cry again.
In addition to keeping an eye on the Twins progress throughout the weekend, I dedicated a bit of time to watching the Olympics. I love the Olympics. Winter, summer, I don't care. There are certain sports that I enjoy watching over others, but if there is competition on tv, I'm going to be glued to it. I even watched synchronized diving for a bit yesterday. Synchronized diving? Hell yes.
I didn't get a chance to watch all of the opening ceremonies, but from the portion that I caught, it was absolutely amazing. Human cube operations. Giant doves made of people with Christmas lights on. Fireworks. Unbelievable. The only issue that I had was that in the middle of the dove was a Chinese piano player who was described as a "Superstar" in China. In the US, would we ever have a piano player that was a superstar? Sure there is Billy Joel and Elton John among others, but I think they are more popular for their songs and their flowing sequined gowns than for their piano playing. I found this on the piano player, Lang Lang:
He scares me. I'm straight up frightened of his music that can apparently throw punches and fireballs. Despite Lang Lang, my conclusion on the opening ceremonies: awesome.
So far I've watched a little of everything, but I've mainly focused on swimming. I watched a little gymnastics as well, but mainly because I'm amazed at how tiny they are. The star of the women's team, Shawn Johnson, is 4'9". The tallest member of the team in 5'3". The Chinese team's average size is 4'9" and 77 pounds. Really? I think that gymnasts should have a special size category between dwarfs and regular sized people.
I floundered around a pool for a while in high school, so I love watching swimming events and comparing their times to mine. If I swam one length of the pool, I might be able to beat some members of the team. Provided, of course, that they swim two lengths while wearing jeans and a flannel shirt.
Last night I was watching the prime time coverage of the swimming events. I was hungover and wanting to sleep. I hadn't showered, and my hair still smelled of the beer that had been dumped on me from the night before. I felt terrible, but I was excited about the 4X100 relay. I was forcing myself to stay awake for it. After watching a lot of races in high school, world championships, Olympic trials, and others, I thought that the French were going to win for sure. They were ahead by half a body length on the final leg. No way that this could happen.
As they were coming into the last half length and Jason Lezak went Aquaman on France, I started yelling at the tv. Why was I swearing at the screen while sitting in Chicago? The only people that could hear me were my sleeping roommates and the baby sleeping in the apartment next to me. Lezak, who was under water on the other side of the world, couldn't have heard my encouraging stream of cuss words. It doesn't matter. I'm convinced that my cheering pushed him into the wall.
If you thought Michael Phelps reaction was a bit extreme (maybe a little frightening), it was nothing compared to mine. I tripped and fell to my bedroom floor when I jumped out of my desk chair. There were various items of my room that were flying everywhere. I threw a dodgeball against my wall. Why would I do that? I'm not entirely sure. It was a brief moment of insanity, but I'm still smiling about the results. I can't wait for the rest of the Games.
Go USA.
-Sota
Friday, August 8, 2008
Ligaments Shmigaments
What up world,
While perusing the Star Trib today, I saw that LEN3 has posted an update on my boy Lexi. He said that the Twins can expect to have him back at some point this season after an encouraging checkup. For those who don't know, Lexi tore a ligament in his thumb a few weeks ago. His finger injury is one of a few that the team is experiencing right now. Matt Tolbert, a promising rookie, tore ligaments in his thumb as well earlier this season. Michael Cuddles Cuddyer strained a tendon on his left index finger at the end of June.
I started to wonder how all of these finger injuries could occur during one season. Some might say it's from stealing bases, or fielding ground balls, or even from getting hit by pitches, but for some reason I don't think that's the case. After doing a bit of investigative work, I found that there was something else going on entirely.
Every baseball team has players that fill certain roles. There are leadoff guys that can steal, take pitches, and run. There are cleanup players that can hit for power and average. There are clubhouse managers, bat-boys, base coaches, etc. Every team has them. But not every team has their very own magician.
The Twins are lucky. For years, our very own Cuddles has wowed his teammates and the media with magic tricks that cause you to question your own existence. Card tricks, sleight of hand, rabbits, locks, disappearing buildings, you name it. Cuddles does it all.
In this past offseason, there were rumors that Cuddles was developing a trick so dangerous, so mind boggling that he was too nervous to show it to any other member of the team. In this trick, Cuddles would use one hand to remove the thumb of his other hand. He contacted us here at Sota to give us an exclusive video of the event.
Amazing. Cuddles showed the rest of the team at the end of spring training to get them ready for a "magical" season. Some of the team was frightened by the exhibition and began calling Cuddles a witch. This is, of course, a ridiculous claim. He is a man which would clearly make him a warlock.
Cuddles business card
Other teammates were impressed and wanted to learn the warlock's secrets. Matt Tolbert was so amazed by the trick that he immediately tried to remove his own thumb, only to hurt himself in the process. Pat Neshek tried to yank out his thumb as hard as possible, but ended up popping a ligament in his elbow. Cuddles warned the rest of the team that it was extremely dangerous to attempt the trick unless under his direct supervision.
The most interested of anyone was Alexi. He went to Cuddles, wanting to learn his secrets. Everyday after games Alexi and Cuddles would enter into the deep caverns of the Metrodome to practice the trick. During these lessons, Cuddles began developing his next trick, where he would remove other fingers from his hand. Late one night, after Lexi had gone home, Cuddles attempted his new trick. He almost succeeded, but at the last second he erred in his attempt and pulled his index finger out of socket. He ran to the field looking for help.
The carnage of Cuddles latest trick
When Lexi heard the news, he was devastated. He was so close to mastering the art of thumb removal, but now his teacher was gone. Trying to prove that he belonged and that he didn't need Cuddles to be a magician, Lexi attempted the trick. Following in Tolbert footsteps, Lexi was unsuccessful and tore ligaments of his own.
When Gardy learned of the news, he immediately banned all magic tricks from the locker room. There was no room for any more injuries to the Twins infield. The only trick that Gardy still allows is when Redmond's clothes magically disappear while he takes BP. Mainly because Gardy finds this hilarious. And so do I.
-Sota
While perusing the Star Trib today, I saw that LEN3 has posted an update on my boy Lexi. He said that the Twins can expect to have him back at some point this season after an encouraging checkup. For those who don't know, Lexi tore a ligament in his thumb a few weeks ago. His finger injury is one of a few that the team is experiencing right now. Matt Tolbert, a promising rookie, tore ligaments in his thumb as well earlier this season. Michael Cuddles Cuddyer strained a tendon on his left index finger at the end of June.
I started to wonder how all of these finger injuries could occur during one season. Some might say it's from stealing bases, or fielding ground balls, or even from getting hit by pitches, but for some reason I don't think that's the case. After doing a bit of investigative work, I found that there was something else going on entirely.
Every baseball team has players that fill certain roles. There are leadoff guys that can steal, take pitches, and run. There are cleanup players that can hit for power and average. There are clubhouse managers, bat-boys, base coaches, etc. Every team has them. But not every team has their very own magician.
The Twins are lucky. For years, our very own Cuddles has wowed his teammates and the media with magic tricks that cause you to question your own existence. Card tricks, sleight of hand, rabbits, locks, disappearing buildings, you name it. Cuddles does it all.
In this past offseason, there were rumors that Cuddles was developing a trick so dangerous, so mind boggling that he was too nervous to show it to any other member of the team. In this trick, Cuddles would use one hand to remove the thumb of his other hand. He contacted us here at Sota to give us an exclusive video of the event.
Amazing. Cuddles showed the rest of the team at the end of spring training to get them ready for a "magical" season. Some of the team was frightened by the exhibition and began calling Cuddles a witch. This is, of course, a ridiculous claim. He is a man which would clearly make him a warlock.
Cuddles business card
Other teammates were impressed and wanted to learn the warlock's secrets. Matt Tolbert was so amazed by the trick that he immediately tried to remove his own thumb, only to hurt himself in the process. Pat Neshek tried to yank out his thumb as hard as possible, but ended up popping a ligament in his elbow. Cuddles warned the rest of the team that it was extremely dangerous to attempt the trick unless under his direct supervision.
The most interested of anyone was Alexi. He went to Cuddles, wanting to learn his secrets. Everyday after games Alexi and Cuddles would enter into the deep caverns of the Metrodome to practice the trick. During these lessons, Cuddles began developing his next trick, where he would remove other fingers from his hand. Late one night, after Lexi had gone home, Cuddles attempted his new trick. He almost succeeded, but at the last second he erred in his attempt and pulled his index finger out of socket. He ran to the field looking for help.
The carnage of Cuddles latest trick
When Lexi heard the news, he was devastated. He was so close to mastering the art of thumb removal, but now his teacher was gone. Trying to prove that he belonged and that he didn't need Cuddles to be a magician, Lexi attempted the trick. Following in Tolbert footsteps, Lexi was unsuccessful and tore ligaments of his own.
When Gardy learned of the news, he immediately banned all magic tricks from the locker room. There was no room for any more injuries to the Twins infield. The only trick that Gardy still allows is when Redmond's clothes magically disappear while he takes BP. Mainly because Gardy finds this hilarious. And so do I.
-Sota
Thursday, August 7, 2008
The Emerald City
What up world,
I received an email from my older sister yesterday, criticizing my last post. She lives in Seattle, and objected to my use of the phrase, "miserable Seattle". I did not mean for the adjective "miserable" to be used in describing the city itself, but rather the season that the Mariners are having. They have the worst record in the American League and trail the Angels by 27 games in their division. 27 games? Awful. Yet they were still able to take two from my Twins this week in a series of gross defensive games.
There are so many other words that I would use to describe Seattle other than miserable. Beautiful, rainy, cold, unique, caffeinated, etc. I have actually been to Seattle several times throughout my life and have always enjoyed my experience there. But, in an effort to make it up to my sister and the city, I decided to learn a little bit more about the Jewel of the Northwest.
Seattle has been inhabited for over 4,000 years. The first European settlers, the Denny Party, arrived in 1851 at Alki point and the city has been partying ever since. The Denny
Party is also commonly credited for starting the Denny's restaurant chain on the west coast in the 1950's. Denny's restaurants are known for always being open and for their Grand Slam breakfasts. Raul Ibanez of the Mariners dined at a Denny's at 4 am on Monday morning, which led to a grand slam of his own Monday night as part of his ridiculous 6 RBI 7th inning. Damn you Denny Party.
Seattle's nickname is "The Emerald City". This moniker was given to the city through a contest in the mid 1980's. Prior to that, Seattle was known as "The Queen City", describing the large number of drag queens that reside there. Th
ere are several informal nicknames that are used for Seattle as well. These include "Gateway to Alaska", "Rain City", "Coffee Town", and "Jet City". The latter of these refers to the migration of a gang (The Jets) from west-side New York City to Seattle after feuding with a rival gang got out of control in the late 1950's.
Seat
tle is responsible for the "grunge" rock movement of the 1990's. The city gave us wonderful music from Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Soundgarden, Alice in Chains, Mudhoney, Temple of the Dog, The Melvins among others. This caused my personal transformation from side-part, heavy hair-spraying, silk-shirt, and tigh
t-roll jeans to butt cut, long hair, flannels, and ripped jeans. F the system man! The popularity of the music led to serious over-exposure and eventual grunge fallout in the late 1990's and early 2000's. So while grunge gave us wonderful music for a while, it also led to 3 Doors Down, Creed, and Nickleback. Ughhhhhh, disgusting.
The city is home to many brands the are recognized worldwide, including Starbucks and Microsoft. According to a US Census Bureau study in 2004, Seattle is the most educated city in America, with 48.8 percent of people 25 years and older having a bachelor degree. It was the most literate city in the US for 2005 and 2006. However, things started looking a bit worse in 2007 when it placed second. The most literate city of that year? Minneapolis biatches. Suck it Seattle.
-Sota
I received an email from my older sister yesterday, criticizing my last post. She lives in Seattle, and objected to my use of the phrase, "miserable Seattle". I did not mean for the adjective "miserable" to be used in describing the city itself, but rather the season that the Mariners are having. They have the worst record in the American League and trail the Angels by 27 games in their division. 27 games? Awful. Yet they were still able to take two from my Twins this week in a series of gross defensive games.
There are so many other words that I would use to describe Seattle other than miserable. Beautiful, rainy, cold, unique, caffeinated, etc. I have actually been to Seattle several times throughout my life and have always enjoyed my experience there. But, in an effort to make it up to my sister and the city, I decided to learn a little bit more about the Jewel of the Northwest.Seattle has been inhabited for over 4,000 years. The first European settlers, the Denny Party, arrived in 1851 at Alki point and the city has been partying ever since. The Denny
Party is also commonly credited for starting the Denny's restaurant chain on the west coast in the 1950's. Denny's restaurants are known for always being open and for their Grand Slam breakfasts. Raul Ibanez of the Mariners dined at a Denny's at 4 am on Monday morning, which led to a grand slam of his own Monday night as part of his ridiculous 6 RBI 7th inning. Damn you Denny Party.Seattle's nickname is "The Emerald City". This moniker was given to the city through a contest in the mid 1980's. Prior to that, Seattle was known as "The Queen City", describing the large number of drag queens that reside there. Th
ere are several informal nicknames that are used for Seattle as well. These include "Gateway to Alaska", "Rain City", "Coffee Town", and "Jet City". The latter of these refers to the migration of a gang (The Jets) from west-side New York City to Seattle after feuding with a rival gang got out of control in the late 1950's.Seat
tle is responsible for the "grunge" rock movement of the 1990's. The city gave us wonderful music from Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Soundgarden, Alice in Chains, Mudhoney, Temple of the Dog, The Melvins among others. This caused my personal transformation from side-part, heavy hair-spraying, silk-shirt, and tigh
t-roll jeans to butt cut, long hair, flannels, and ripped jeans. F the system man! The popularity of the music led to serious over-exposure and eventual grunge fallout in the late 1990's and early 2000's. So while grunge gave us wonderful music for a while, it also led to 3 Doors Down, Creed, and Nickleback. Ughhhhhh, disgusting.The city is home to many brands the are recognized worldwide, including Starbucks and Microsoft. According to a US Census Bureau study in 2004, Seattle is the most educated city in America, with 48.8 percent of people 25 years and older having a bachelor degree. It was the most literate city in the US for 2005 and 2006. However, things started looking a bit worse in 2007 when it placed second. The most literate city of that year? Minneapolis biatches. Suck it Seattle.
-Sota
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Sadness
What up world,
I was feeling extra good about the start of this week. The Twins were in first place, the White Sox were feuding and AJ got punched in the face again, and we were headed to miserable Seattle to face off against one of the worst teams in the majors. Through 6 innings, everything was going as planned. Lil' Nicky Punto ate an extra bowl of Corn Pops and went deep. Everyone in the lineup was getting on base, hitting sac flys, and being generally awesome. According to urban dictionary, percolating means:
1. To cause to filter gradually through a porous substance
2. To get the party started.
As in, "Let's hurry up and get to the club so we can get it percolating."
Glen Perkins was definitely percolating through 6 innings. I was watching on-line, eating ice cream, and looking forward to a series sweep. Maybe I was percolating a little myself.
Then terror struck. Who gives up 10 runs in an inning? 10 runs? Really? Matt Guerrrrrrrier needs a hug, and so do I. It turned from joy to sadness in one inning. I was crushed. Usually when something really sad happens to me, I try to combat the moment with humor. If I'm watching a sad movie, I will try and say something stupid to prevent myself from crying. I don't think that I've cried during a movie since Turner and Hooch using this technique. Turner and Hooch is the saddest movie on record. There is no debate.
Last night I turned to the magic of YouTube to combat the sadness that I felt. I was so sad that I turned to Dmitri Martin, who is also known as the funniest man on the internet tubes. If you too are feeling down while reading this, please turn to the magic below.
I was feeling extra good about the start of this week. The Twins were in first place, the White Sox were feuding and AJ got punched in the face again, and we were headed to miserable Seattle to face off against one of the worst teams in the majors. Through 6 innings, everything was going as planned. Lil' Nicky Punto ate an extra bowl of Corn Pops and went deep. Everyone in the lineup was getting on base, hitting sac flys, and being generally awesome. According to urban dictionary, percolating means:
1. To cause to filter gradually through a porous substance
2. To get the party started.
As in, "Let's hurry up and get to the club so we can get it percolating."
Glen Perkins was definitely percolating through 6 innings. I was watching on-line, eating ice cream, and looking forward to a series sweep. Maybe I was percolating a little myself.
Then terror struck. Who gives up 10 runs in an inning? 10 runs? Really? Matt Guerrrrrrrier needs a hug, and so do I. It turned from joy to sadness in one inning. I was crushed. Usually when something really sad happens to me, I try to combat the moment with humor. If I'm watching a sad movie, I will try and say something stupid to prevent myself from crying. I don't think that I've cried during a movie since Turner and Hooch using this technique. Turner and Hooch is the saddest movie on record. There is no debate.
Last night I turned to the magic of YouTube to combat the sadness that I felt. I was so sad that I turned to Dmitri Martin, who is also known as the funniest man on the internet tubes. If you too are feeling down while reading this, please turn to the magic below.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Saint Francisco
What up world,
Recently, with Livan the Hutt's struggles on the mound, Scottie Baker began to have some concerns. Were the Twin's going to make him the number 1 starter in the rotation if Livan left? Wasn't he just too young to lead this staff? He was just one year removed from Little League for God's sake.
Scottie gets ready for bed every night in the same way. He has a glass of milk and a cookie (only if he's completed all of his chores), brushes his teeth, puts on his pj's, and says a prayer. When I went to tuck Scottie in on Saturday night, I accidentally overheard this:
"Saint Francisco, it's me Scottie. I've got a favor to ask. Can you come back to the Twins? I just don't think that I can be the number 1 starter on the team. What happens if we go to the playoffs? If I have to go up against Lackey or Joba or (oh god) Beckett I might pee myself. We need you. I need you. Come back to us and give us some gassy fastballs and nasty sliders. Hee hee hee. Gassy is a funny word. Also, please bless my parents and my stupid sister Sarah."
I was interested to see what would happen. Would Saint Francisco heed the prayers of young Scottie Baker? Would we see the Saint of 2006 who threw fire and converted heathens into believers? Or would we see the impostor of earlier this season who caused me to question my faith.
Sure enough, Sunday afternoon in Minneapolis, the clouds parted. The roof of the Dome was torn apart revealing Saint Francisco in all of his glory. Trumpets blared. The Indians shook in fear. Far away in Kansas City, Ozzie Guillen started speaking in tongues. Six innings of solid Saintly work later, the Twins were back in first place.
In his secret bat cave, Bill Smith smiled. No trades were needed, because the Saint was back and ready to lead his followers into the postseason promised land.
-Sota
Recently, with Livan the Hutt's struggles on the mound, Scottie Baker began to have some concerns. Were the Twin's going to make him the number 1 starter in the rotation if Livan left? Wasn't he just too young to lead this staff? He was just one year removed from Little League for God's sake.
Scottie gets ready for bed every night in the same way. He has a glass of milk and a cookie (only if he's completed all of his chores), brushes his teeth, puts on his pj's, and says a prayer. When I went to tuck Scottie in on Saturday night, I accidentally overheard this:
"Saint Francisco, it's me Scottie. I've got a favor to ask. Can you come back to the Twins? I just don't think that I can be the number 1 starter on the team. What happens if we go to the playoffs? If I have to go up against Lackey or Joba or (oh god) Beckett I might pee myself. We need you. I need you. Come back to us and give us some gassy fastballs and nasty sliders. Hee hee hee. Gassy is a funny word. Also, please bless my parents and my stupid sister Sarah."
I was interested to see what would happen. Would Saint Francisco heed the prayers of young Scottie Baker? Would we see the Saint of 2006 who threw fire and converted heathens into believers? Or would we see the impostor of earlier this season who caused me to question my faith.
Sure enough, Sunday afternoon in Minneapolis, the clouds parted. The roof of the Dome was torn apart revealing Saint Francisco in all of his glory. Trumpets blared. The Indians shook in fear. Far away in Kansas City, Ozzie Guillen started speaking in tongues. Six innings of solid Saintly work later, the Twins were back in first place.
In his secret bat cave, Bill Smith smiled. No trades were needed, because the Saint was back and ready to lead his followers into the postseason promised land.
-Sota
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Gardy and the Bear
What up world,
I have been known to play video games here and there over the years. I usually get sucked into sports games. Especially those that track your electronic player's progression and statistics like Madden or NCAA Football. The time waster of choice right now is MLB 2K7. There is a feature in the game where you can bring the manager out to argue calls. If you press the A button fast enough, you can increase the moral of the team, causing them to play better for one inning. The longer that you argue, the higher the chance is that you will be ejected.
Thursday night, Keiunta had just been hit by the pitch while attempting to bunt. The third base umpire called it a strike, rather than allowing him to move to first. Gardenhire saw this and was pressing the A button like a hummingbird on crack as he approached the field. He argued with the ump for a few minutes resulting in a couple bruised egos, a dirtied hat, and team morale going through the roof. Before leaving the field (and giving the sign to the fans to start throwing things), Gardenhire warned Ump Marty Foster, "I'm going to have to bring The Bear out."
"Release the Bear!"
Gardenhire went back into the depths of the Metrodome and made a call for The Bear. For years Gardy had been tormenting The Bear, poking it, teasing it, making it so hungry for blood that he had already eaten two bat boys. Occasionally Gardy would let The Bear have an at-bat or two, but never against lefties, and only when there wasn't an overpaid veteran in the dugout.
Some things to know about The Bear. He is originally from Belle Fourche, South Dakota. He developed his left handed swing by smacking fish that he caught against rocks and trees. His knees have deteriorated over the years from standing on his hind legs, but they are slowly getting better now that he isn't playing in the field as much.
The crowd erupted when The Bear was released and started to lumber towards th
e plate. Chants of "Free Kubel" and "I've got a fever" arose from every part of the Dome. The Bear was hungry at this point and sighted a Subway Sandwich sign in the right field stands. With a mighty roar, The Bear launched a shot that directly hit the sign, and gave the Twins the eventually winning run. As he rounded the bases, saliva flying from his mouth, The Bear sighted a doughy, bloated piece of meat behind home plate named AJ. However, before he got the chance to take a bite of him, he was quickly ushered back into his cage.
Gardy and Bill Smith met in the secret bat-cave of the Dome later on in the night. Gardy told Bill, "The Bear is ready. Get rid of Monroe"
Smith replied, "He's gone. And the Hutt is going to follow him out also."
Gardy: "The Hutt is gone? Does that mean...."
Smith: "Saint Francisco is on his way..."
-Sota
I have been known to play video games here and there over the years. I usually get sucked into sports games. Especially those that track your electronic player's progression and statistics like Madden or NCAA Football. The time waster of choice right now is MLB 2K7. There is a feature in the game where you can bring the manager out to argue calls. If you press the A button fast enough, you can increase the moral of the team, causing them to play better for one inning. The longer that you argue, the higher the chance is that you will be ejected.
Thursday night, Keiunta had just been hit by the pitch while attempting to bunt. The third base umpire called it a strike, rather than allowing him to move to first. Gardenhire saw this and was pressing the A button like a hummingbird on crack as he approached the field. He argued with the ump for a few minutes resulting in a couple bruised egos, a dirtied hat, and team morale going through the roof. Before leaving the field (and giving the sign to the fans to start throwing things), Gardenhire warned Ump Marty Foster, "I'm going to have to bring The Bear out."
"Release the Bear!"
Gardenhire went back into the depths of the Metrodome and made a call for The Bear. For years Gardy had been tormenting The Bear, poking it, teasing it, making it so hungry for blood that he had already eaten two bat boys. Occasionally Gardy would let The Bear have an at-bat or two, but never against lefties, and only when there wasn't an overpaid veteran in the dugout.
Some things to know about The Bear. He is originally from Belle Fourche, South Dakota. He developed his left handed swing by smacking fish that he caught against rocks and trees. His knees have deteriorated over the years from standing on his hind legs, but they are slowly getting better now that he isn't playing in the field as much.
The crowd erupted when The Bear was released and started to lumber towards th
e plate. Chants of "Free Kubel" and "I've got a fever" arose from every part of the Dome. The Bear was hungry at this point and sighted a Subway Sandwich sign in the right field stands. With a mighty roar, The Bear launched a shot that directly hit the sign, and gave the Twins the eventually winning run. As he rounded the bases, saliva flying from his mouth, The Bear sighted a doughy, bloated piece of meat behind home plate named AJ. However, before he got the chance to take a bite of him, he was quickly ushered back into his cage.Gardy and Bill Smith met in the secret bat-cave of the Dome later on in the night. Gardy told Bill, "The Bear is ready. Get rid of Monroe"
Smith replied, "He's gone. And the Hutt is going to follow him out also."
Gardy: "The Hutt is gone? Does that mean...."
Smith: "Saint Francisco is on his way..."
-Sota
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