Scottie Gets Busy

What up world,

Scottie Baker is a very good pitcher. This 12 year old boy was projected to be our opening day starter prior to experiencing some soreness in his shoulder in the days leading up to the season. Through all of his troubles; giving up home runs, running into bad innings, forgetting his favorite teddy bear "Cuddles" on road trips, and issues with "nutty", Scottie can still bring the heat.

Every time that Scottie pitches, I always have visions of butterflies and no hitters. Here is a brief recap of the last few games.

6/9 Oakland: 8 innings, 3 earned runs. Took a shutout into the 9th before conceding to the bullpen. 8 strikeouts, 1 walk, and no home runs. Scottie! Good work!

6/4 Cleveland: 7 innings, 2 earned runs. 10 strikeouts, 1 walk, and 1 home run in another win. Dominating performance. This is what we were expecting out of Scottie to start the year.

5/29 Tampa: 5.2 innings, 4 earned runs. 4 strikeouts and 2 home runs. Not that great of a performance, but it was on the road, and Scottie had stayed up all night playing video games and eating sundaes the previous evening. We discussed his behavior, and although there were some tears and some yelling, he's agreed to start going to sleep early before games.

I believe that Scottie has turned a corner this season. He's delivered two very solid performances back-to-back, giving me another reason to love this young, innocent child. Wait, that sounds bad...

Let me explain. Not only is Scottie a promising, young pitcher, but he also provides a wide plethora of nicknames. In just a little bit of research, I've discovered that there are many sides to Scott Baker.

There is, of course, my version of Scott


Then there is the obvious baker comparisons (with a picture of nutty on his chef's hat).



The baker references naturally lead to a wide range of subsequent nicknames. Bake sale, Baker's dozen, Shake and Bake, among others.

Digging a little deeper, I've discovered that Scott has many interests outside of baseball. Although the images may not resemble the pitcher that we've grown to love, I can assure you that they are all, in fact, Scott Baker.

Scott Baker, Assistant Director of Clinical Care - Florida Hospital.



A long time resident of Ormond Beach, Scott Baker joins HospiceCare as our Assistant Director of Clinical Care. In the Florida Hospital System since 1992, Scott comes to us as the former Director of Case Management with Florida Hospital Fish Memorial. He will be responsible for the day to day domination of opposing hitters.

Scott Baker - Coney Island Sideshow



Scott Baker fronts the Coney Island Circus Sideshow as the Outside Talker (known to the uninitiated at the "barker") who talks you into opening your wallet and buying a ticket to the show. Not surprisingly, Scott is a trained Broadway actor with many stage and film credits. When not in Coney Island, Scott often delights audiences with his pitching performances for the Minnesota Twins, wherein he performs many of the most dangerous pitching acts, all on his own.

Lord Justice Scott Baker



Although he looks considerably older in this picture, Scott Baker presided over the Princess Diana wrongful death lawsuit in Great Britain in 2007. In a high pressure, highly public situation, Scott performed admirably and in the proper context of public interest during the hearings.

There is so much about Scott that we don't know. Even with the tremendous pressure we place on him to carry the young pitching staff, he still manages to practice medicine, law, and freakshows. For that young Scottie, I have to offer my respect.

-Sota

Beam Me Up

What up world,

Here is a recap of the conversation I had with Scottie Baker after the Twins' 10 to 1 loss this afternoon:



Sota: Scottie. What is happening? Did you stay up too late playing video games and eating Doritos last night?
Scottie: Maybe...
Sota: I know waking up for day games is tough for you. That's why you should be drinking a tall glass of milk and heading to bed at a decent hour.
Scottie: I know, but...
Sota: No 'buts'. Have a talk with Cuddles (your bear, not the player) and decide what is more important to you; passing the 4th level of Halo or winning games.
Scottie: Ok, hold on... Cuddles says that I should focus on winning games.
Sota: Exactly. There's no reason to give up 6 runs in 3 innings. Especially to the Red Sox. Their average age is 56.
Scottie: I know. I'm sorry.
Sota: You don't have to apologize to me. You should be apologizing to the rest of the team.
Scottie: Ok
Sota: I can understand giving up a homer to Kevin Youkilis. He's a big guy...
Scottie: And scary.
Sota: But Nick Green? He's got 10 homers in his career.
Scottie: I know.
Sota: And Mike Lowell is approaching 70.
Scottie: He looks like my grandpa.
Sota: So promise me that you'll go to bed early before your next start.
Scottie: Alright.
Sota: If you get a win, I'll buy you a fudgsicle.
Scottie: And some Pop Rocks!
Sota: Fine.
Scottie: Yessssss!!!

It wasn't a good start to the series, and it looks like tonight's game is going to get rained out as well. In addition to Scottie's terrible start, the bullpen and lineup both looked pretty bad. A multitude of walks were given up, and our batters only managed to get 5 hits and 1 run through 7 innings.

Boston's starting pitcher was Tim Wakefield and his crazy knuckles. I did some statistical research (be impressed) and found that Wakefield has pitched in 25 career games against Minnesota. He is 13-5 in those games with a 4.31 era. There was a game last season that he gave up 6 runs in 2 and 2/3 innings, but other than that, he's been pretty lights out.

It was not pretty all around. There may still be a game tonight, so lets all hope that Saint Francisco can improve on the performance that we sat through this afternoon. We can win in Boston. I have faith.

Hating the Twins???

What up world,

During the 7th inning last night, I left my house and headed to a local Jimmy John's for dinner. I was feeling pretty good at that point. Not only was I headed toward a delicious ham sandwich, but the Twins had just taken the lead and had forced AJ Burnett out of the game. We needed this game desperately bad, because the White Sox had won earlier in the day. I was reminded of this fact as I walked past this shady Mexican restaurant/bar. There was a Cubs game going on at the time, and someone had rolled down their window and yelled an obligatory "Go Cubs" to a couple of bouncers that were standing outside the bar. The bouncers responded with a "Go Sox". Here is a recap of the conversation between the drunk car guy and the scary looking bouncers.

Drunk guy: "Are the Sox in first?"
Scary bouncer: "Yeah. They won today, and the Twins are tied in the seventh and about to lose."
Me (in my own thoughts): "What? We were ahead two seconds ago. What happened?"
Scary bouncer: "Even if the Twins win, the Sox are still going to win the division. The Twins suck."
Me (in my own thoughts): "I hate Sox fans. If you weren't so god-awfully scary, and if the Twins weren't playing like a pile of cow manure, I would totally say something hilarious and derogatory about the Sox."
Drunk guy: "I'll give you a 'Go Sox' if you give me a 'Go Cubs'."
Scary bouncer: "F your Cubs. The only team that I hate worse than the Cubs is the Twins."

How could you hate the Twins? They're so cuddly and innocent. He must not have seen Scottie Baker.

Or maybe it's because with the exception of the year that I like to forget (2005), the Twins have always been better than the Sux, with teams that are put together with younguns and scotch tape. Maybe because we find ways to score runs without just hitting home runs.

Side note: How does Alexei Ramirez continue to jack HR's? He looks like Jack from the Nightmare Before Christmas.

For some reason, I think that every baseball fan out there is secretly a little bit of a Twins fan. If not a full-fledged fan, at least an admirer. Like straight guys out there admitting that Brad Pitt is a sexy man. And then a scary bouncer says that he hates them and my perception comes crashing down.

I'm okay with this. Not everyone is going to like what I like. I realize this. Even I hate certain aspects of the Twins right now. Their bullpen for example. Errors. Ass-bats. But still, there is so much to love.

Don't make my hatred increase any more guys. Let's get at least one from these bitches and come back to home sweet dome for the weekend.

-Sota

Saint Francisco

What up world,

Recently, with Livan the Hutt's struggles on the mound, Scottie Baker began to have some concerns. Were the Twin's going to make him the number 1 starter in the rotation if Livan left? Wasn't he just too young to lead this staff? He was just one year removed from Little League for God's sake.

Scottie gets ready for bed every night in the same way. He has a glass of milk and a cookie (only if he's completed all of his chores), brushes his teeth, puts on his pj's, and says a prayer. When I went to tuck Scottie in on Saturday night, I accidentally overheard this:

"Saint Francisco, it's me Scottie. I've got a favor to ask. Can you come back to the Twins? I just don't think that I can be the number 1 starter on the team. What happens if we go to the playoffs? If I have to go up against Lackey or Joba or (oh god) Beckett I might pee myself. We need you. I need you. Come back to us and give us some gassy fastballs and nasty sliders. Hee hee hee. Gassy is a funny word. Also, please bless my parents and my stupid sister Sarah."

I was interested to see what would happen. Would Saint Francisco heed the prayers of young Scottie Baker? Would we see the Saint of 2006 who threw fire and converted heathens into believers? Or would we see the impostor of earlier this season who caused me to question my faith.

Sure enough, Sunday afternoon in Minneapolis, the clouds parted. The roof of the Dome was torn apart revealing Saint Francisco in all of his glory. Trumpets blared. The Indians shook in fear. Far away in Kansas City, Ozzie Guillen started speaking in tongues. Six innings of solid Saintly work later, the Twins were back in first place.


In his secret bat cave, Bill Smith smiled. No trades were needed, because the Saint was back and ready to lead his followers into the postseason promised land.

-Sota

Terror from Texas

What up world,

So after a bit of a break the Twins were back in action this weekend. I was busy Friday and Saturday night with various alcohol infused distractions around the city and was not able to keep track of the games. On Sunday, as I was trying to retain the contents of my stomach, I laid in bed watching ESPN gamecast. It seems that the perfect hangover cure was tracking 12 year old Scott Baker throwing strikes through the first six innings. Surely the Twins would be able to scrap out a run or two in order to support his quest for perfection.

Top six, two down and Taylor Teagarden comes up to bat. I'm reviewing TT's stats as the pitching starts. .000 batting average huh? Baker is going to take perfection to the seventh! My stomach has turned from certain pukiness, to butterflies of excitement. I take a quick look at the scoreboard and see that the White Sox are losing to the Royals. All of a sudden the butterflies have turned into small birds. I can see headlines. "Prepubescent Pitcher is Perfect", "White Sox Suck Balls", "Twins Give Sox Perfect Crotch Kick".

And then horror hits. A home run? My nausea returns. Where did the Rangers bring this demon from? Somewhere in the depths of Texas they were slowly cultivating this creature for this exact moment. I did a quick search on mlb.com for TT. Here is the profile that I found:

Full Name: Taylor Hill Teagarden (obviously made up)
Real Full Name: Lucifer Pentagram Beezlebub
Birthplace: 7th ring of hell
Height: 7' 8"
Weight: 864
Hobbies: Killing Twins fan's dreams; eating kittens



He's already been reassigned. His job on earth is complete and he will no go back to torturing souls in hell. Needless to say, the rest of the Twins were so frightened of the creature that they couldn't concentrate for the rest of the game. Span, Buscher, and Mauer were so frightened that they couldn't swing the bat and decided to walk instead. Other than that, the rest of team did everything they could to get out of the game as soon as possible. Bunt outs, double plays, and first pitch fly-outs were the key to getting out alive. Luckily Punto wasn't playing. If he had, Teagarden would have eaten him as soon as he approached the plate.

Damn you Teagarden. Scottie Baker still hasn't stopped crying. He won't even come out of his room and will only talk to Cuddles, his stuffed bear. I had to slip some Ambian into his chocolate milk just so that he could get to sleep.

The bright side to this is that TT is gone for now. I'm hoping that the Twins have faced their fears and won't be frightened of the big bad Yankees this week. More updates to follow.

-Sota