Bird Attack

What up world,

The Canadian Blue Jays flew into town this week, carrying with them disease, pestilence, and a high scoring offense. I watched game on-line, feeling pretty good about our offense through the first several innings. After a weekend of not doing anything against the Bitch Sox, the team was actually hitting again, and had accumulated 6 runs through five innings.

Then the Jays started slowly pecking away at the Slow-one, with their sharp beaks and soulless eyes. A run here, a run there, and pretty soon Toronto was stealing another game away from the Twins. After Monday's loss, the Twins had lost 10 straight games to those damn birds. Their last win came June 28th, 2007. I had to figure out what was going on.

After speaking with Gardy and some of the team, I quickly realized that last year's entire roster was suffering from a condition called ornithophobia, the fear of birds. According to Medicalnet.com, ornthophobia is described as the following:

An abnormal and persistent fear of birds. Sufferers of this fear experience undue anxiety about encountering and even being attacked by birds although they may realize their fears are quite irrational.

I talked to Carlos Gomez about the fears of the team on Tuesday. Here's the conversation:

Go-go: Bueno?
Sota: Hey Carlos, what's going on?
Go-go: Nada. Just watching out for any birds.
Sota: So you are scared of birds? How did this happen?
Go-go: Well, I have always been scared of them. They can attack you from any direction. You won't even see them coming!
Sota: But this is ridiculous. How many birds have actually attacked you?
Go-go: Well, zero I guess.
Sota: Exactly, so you shouldn't be scared. Even of the Blue Jays.
Go-go: Si, si. Pero, we watched this movie about birds attacking people last year. It was really scary.
Sota: Really? What kind of a movie was that? Was it the Discovery Channel?
Go-go: I don't know. It was just called, "The Birds"
Sota: Carlos, that's a fictional movie. That didn't actually happen.
Go-go: I don't care. I'm still scared.
Sota: What about the rest of the team.
Go-go: Lil Nicky gets scared every time the Blue Jays come into town. He's small Sota! They could carry him off the field into their nest and peck him to death.
Sota: That's not going to happen.
Go-go: It could!
Sota: It won't, I promise. Is everyone scared?
Go-go: Well, not Joe.
Sota: Which one?
Go-go: New Joe
Sota: Crede?
Go-go: Si.

Of course! Crede wasn't on the team last year. He didn't see the movie. He's the perfect solution to combat the irrational fear of birds that the rest of the team possesses. He can put their fears to rest, and he did just that last night.

Not only did Crede win the game with an RBI double in the 11th, he also alleviated any lingering ornithophobia that was crippling the rest of the lineup. Although it took him two full games to calm everyone down, I still have to give the man credit. He goes deep against his former team on Friday, and drives home the winning run on Tuesday. New Joe is really starting to prove his worth. And for that, you've earned a Sotalove picture montage. Enjoy!




The Twins are playing as I write this. I'm hoping that Scottie Baker watched the game last night. Otherwise, he may not have gotten over his bird fears. And you all know how scared and fragile Scottie can be.

Lets beat up these birds.

-Sota

Proving to be Loyal

What up world,

So it wasn't the greatest of weekends for the team. After a promising start on Friday night, the ass-bats returning in force on Saturday and Sunday. One run through 18 innings? I'm no expert, but I don't think those are great numbers. Saint Francisco was a little shaky on Saturday, and the bullpen returned to their poopy ways yesterday. The Bitch Sox continued their bitchiness from last season.

However, not all is lost. There are many more battles to come, and help is on its way. Lil Scottie Baker continued his adorable comeback through the minors and there were some initial reports of Mr. Minnesota running in a pool in Florida. Tweens flocked to poolsides throughout the Citrus State in hopes of catching a glimpse of his swollen sacroiliac.

In addition, in the Twins' win on Friday night, something happened that dramatically eased my fears. In the top of the second, Twins' third baseman Joe Crede, crushed a ball into the leftfield bullpen and started rounding the bases. For the first time in his short Twins career, Joe was scoring a run against the team that he had grown up with. In my mind, it was finally official. Crede was a Twin.

Prior to the start of the series, I was getting more and more nervous about his return to the Cell. I had visions of him defecting back to the southside, bringing all of the Twins' secrets with him. By the first pitch, I had convinced myself that he was truly a double agent and was meeting with Ozzie during warmups. He was like a Cuban in reverse, and Ozzie was his Castro. Damn you evil Ozzie, and all of your conniving ways.

But then the possible double agent went out and hit yard. Maybe he met with the Oz and the rest of the team, and didn't like what he saw. A second baseman that looked like Jack from Nightmare Before Christmas.



AJ without his head.

A masturbating left fielder



Maybe Jim Thome, Paul Konerko, and Jermaine Dye looked another year older and a little more crusty. Crede had returned to Cuba to find things much worse than when he left. He saw the promise of playing with a group of scrappy go-getters, and decided to make his decision in the most dramatic way possible.

They may have a bronzed statue dedicated to you, Joe, but can they provide the same loving embrace that we can? You've made the right move. There's nothing but dollar dogs and naked Redmonds in your future.

So, on behalf of Mark, Brent, Dad, and the rest of the readers, I would like to say, "Welcome to the Twins, Joe!"

-Sota