Bring Them Home

What up world,

The Twins ended their 5 game roadtrip on Sunday. After getting hammered by the red-socked heathens of Boston last week, the team looked relatively good against the red-skinned heathens of Cleveland. I know that's racist, but I have a little Native American blood in me, so it's cool. Plus I had to make the red-red thing work. Here's a quick recap of the weekend games.

Friday: Twins 5, Indians 1

I have never given Nick Blackburn much attention in my blog posts, and for that, I'm sorry. He has earned my respect over the last two seasons, and pitched really well on Friday night. Here are a couple of quick facts about Nick.

-Nick has been living a lie for several years. His birth name is actually Robert Nicholas Blackburn. He chose to go with Nick after being mugged several times in his home town of Oklahoma City. Shady individuals would learn of his name and immediately ask for his wallet. Think about it. Rob Blackburn....I'm hilarious.

-Rob Nick was hit in the face by a Bobby Abreau line drive last season, but he did not miss any time in the rotation. It was later learned that his skull is actually made of bits of metal and hustle, making him a Gardenhire favorite.

-Rob Nick's childhood hero was none other than Minnesota's own Jo Jo Mauer. In an effort to get as close as possible to Joe, Nick chose to be a pitcher with the Twins and grow out very similar sideburns. Tweeny girls of the midwest, rejoice!!!



Saturday: Twins 7, Indians 1

K-Slow followed up on Rob Nick's performance with a gem of his own. He took a five hit shutout into the ninth on Saturday night, to earn his third win. Spurred by the performance of the pitchers, the Twins lineup decided to go on a tear of their own against Indian's pitcher Carl Pavano. Kubear went crazy, grizzley-style, hitting two home runs and mauling Cleveland shortstop Jhonny Peralta for his incorrectly spelled name.

Sunday: Twins 2, Indians 4

For some reason, the Twins decided to completely reverse course from the previous two games, and decended into suck-town against on Sunday. The Perkolator wasn't as effective as he had been in his previous three starts, giving up 4 runs in 5 innings. The lineup couldn't produce a run until the 7th inning, and Kubear and the Canadian both struck out with the bases loaded. It was an altogether frustrating game to watch.

Unfortunately, with the loss on Sunday, the team ended the roadtrip with a losing record. We're still under .500, and don't seem to garnering much respect around the league. ESPN has the team ranked at 18th overall in their weekly power rankings. AL Central fans are concentrating on the hot Royals and White Sox.

This is perfect. We just silently wait in the wings until Scottie Baker starts pitching again, and Jo Jo Ma returns, and Alexi Casilla starts hitting like a major leaguer, and then we pounce! Beware! Kubear is hungry...

The Devilish Rays are headed to town for the week, followed by the Royalty of Kansas City. I smell 6 straight wins and the return of the Chosen One by week end. Who's with me?

-Sota

Beam Me Up

What up world,

Here is a recap of the conversation I had with Scottie Baker after the Twins' 10 to 1 loss this afternoon:



Sota: Scottie. What is happening? Did you stay up too late playing video games and eating Doritos last night?
Scottie: Maybe...
Sota: I know waking up for day games is tough for you. That's why you should be drinking a tall glass of milk and heading to bed at a decent hour.
Scottie: I know, but...
Sota: No 'buts'. Have a talk with Cuddles (your bear, not the player) and decide what is more important to you; passing the 4th level of Halo or winning games.
Scottie: Ok, hold on... Cuddles says that I should focus on winning games.
Sota: Exactly. There's no reason to give up 6 runs in 3 innings. Especially to the Red Sox. Their average age is 56.
Scottie: I know. I'm sorry.
Sota: You don't have to apologize to me. You should be apologizing to the rest of the team.
Scottie: Ok
Sota: I can understand giving up a homer to Kevin Youkilis. He's a big guy...
Scottie: And scary.
Sota: But Nick Green? He's got 10 homers in his career.
Scottie: I know.
Sota: And Mike Lowell is approaching 70.
Scottie: He looks like my grandpa.
Sota: So promise me that you'll go to bed early before your next start.
Scottie: Alright.
Sota: If you get a win, I'll buy you a fudgsicle.
Scottie: And some Pop Rocks!
Sota: Fine.
Scottie: Yessssss!!!

It wasn't a good start to the series, and it looks like tonight's game is going to get rained out as well. In addition to Scottie's terrible start, the bullpen and lineup both looked pretty bad. A multitude of walks were given up, and our batters only managed to get 5 hits and 1 run through 7 innings.

Boston's starting pitcher was Tim Wakefield and his crazy knuckles. I did some statistical research (be impressed) and found that Wakefield has pitched in 25 career games against Minnesota. He is 13-5 in those games with a 4.31 era. There was a game last season that he gave up 6 runs in 2 and 2/3 innings, but other than that, he's been pretty lights out.

It was not pretty all around. There may still be a game tonight, so lets all hope that Saint Francisco can improve on the performance that we sat through this afternoon. We can win in Boston. I have faith.

Heaven Sent

What up world,

After a few discouraging series to open the season, many Twins fans had started to lose their faith. An entire offseason was spent diagnosing the roster and anticipating a trip to the postseason. Five months of speculation, hoping, and dreaming. Then, after three weeks and a number of losses, many fans were writing the team off. They were going down in flames and everyone in Twin-land was going to be subject to a full season of mediocrity.

All hope was lost. Even with the eventual return of Scottie Baker and Jo Jo Ma, fans were starting to wander off and seek answers elsewhere. Maybe Justin Morneau wasn't the second coming of Harmon Killibrew. Maybe Gardy wasn't the sage of wisdom that we thought he was. Maybe there was no heaven or Target Field coming at the end of the season.

What the team needed was an injection of faith. Something to restore their belief in the all-powerful might that we call the Twins. What could bring about this rebirth? What miracle workers could make this work?

Our prayers must have been heard, because an entire flock of angels entered the Metrodome for the weekend. The Angels of Anaheim and Los Angles and our Hearts rolled into Minneapolis, chock full of injuries and ass-bats of their own. Here is a quick recap of the miracles that took place in Minnesota.

Friday: Minnesota 11, LA 9

Desperate for a victory, Gardy entered the caverns of the Metrodome to a dark sub-basement late on Thursday night. There, the Bear lurked, hungry and angry from seasons of misuse. Gardy poked the Bear with a stick, yelling insults in his direction.



"My old man hibernates better than you do"
"Winnie the Pooh has a scarier growl than you."
"I bet you are worse at wiping your ass than those bears in the Charmin commercial."



Ku-bear was insensed. He charged the field on Friday night, hitting the cycle and taking every bit of fury out on a grand slam in the eighth inning. What happened on Friday night is called player management. Good job Gardy.

Saturday: Minnesota 9 LA 2

With glimmers of faith rippling through the Metrodome crowd from Friday night's comeback, the Twins' offense continued to roll on Saturday. Maybe the ass-bats of the first three weeks had been burned and destroyed. With Ku-bear rolling, the Delmonic actually living up to expectations, and Brendan Harris doing his best Lil Nicky Punto impression, the offense had been resurrected.

The real story from Saturday was the pitching of the Slow-one. Kevin Slowey pitched seven innings, giving up just two runs and six hits. He channelled his best Bradke impression, and was nasty through 112 pitches. Here is his team photo:


Slow-one = Sloth. I'm sorry, I took the easy way out here.

Sunday: Minnesota 3 LA 1

After posting impressive offensive stats through the first two games of the series, the team wanted to give the pitchers a chance to really shine. Who better to do this than a nice, shiny Perkolater. The Perkolator simmered and boiled through eight innings, even taking a shot off his leg, to earn his first victory of the season. The best part, the entire roster enjoyed some fresh brewed coffee during their postgame celebration.

Thanks to the Angels, faith has been restored. The Twins and their fans have started to believe again. Using God's wrath, they plan on destroying those red-clad heathens from Boston starting tomorrow. God has a plan for all of us. God's plan for the Twins; World Series.

-Sota

Bird Attack

What up world,

The Canadian Blue Jays flew into town this week, carrying with them disease, pestilence, and a high scoring offense. I watched game on-line, feeling pretty good about our offense through the first several innings. After a weekend of not doing anything against the Bitch Sox, the team was actually hitting again, and had accumulated 6 runs through five innings.

Then the Jays started slowly pecking away at the Slow-one, with their sharp beaks and soulless eyes. A run here, a run there, and pretty soon Toronto was stealing another game away from the Twins. After Monday's loss, the Twins had lost 10 straight games to those damn birds. Their last win came June 28th, 2007. I had to figure out what was going on.

After speaking with Gardy and some of the team, I quickly realized that last year's entire roster was suffering from a condition called ornithophobia, the fear of birds. According to Medicalnet.com, ornthophobia is described as the following:

An abnormal and persistent fear of birds. Sufferers of this fear experience undue anxiety about encountering and even being attacked by birds although they may realize their fears are quite irrational.

I talked to Carlos Gomez about the fears of the team on Tuesday. Here's the conversation:

Go-go: Bueno?
Sota: Hey Carlos, what's going on?
Go-go: Nada. Just watching out for any birds.
Sota: So you are scared of birds? How did this happen?
Go-go: Well, I have always been scared of them. They can attack you from any direction. You won't even see them coming!
Sota: But this is ridiculous. How many birds have actually attacked you?
Go-go: Well, zero I guess.
Sota: Exactly, so you shouldn't be scared. Even of the Blue Jays.
Go-go: Si, si. Pero, we watched this movie about birds attacking people last year. It was really scary.
Sota: Really? What kind of a movie was that? Was it the Discovery Channel?
Go-go: I don't know. It was just called, "The Birds"
Sota: Carlos, that's a fictional movie. That didn't actually happen.
Go-go: I don't care. I'm still scared.
Sota: What about the rest of the team.
Go-go: Lil Nicky gets scared every time the Blue Jays come into town. He's small Sota! They could carry him off the field into their nest and peck him to death.
Sota: That's not going to happen.
Go-go: It could!
Sota: It won't, I promise. Is everyone scared?
Go-go: Well, not Joe.
Sota: Which one?
Go-go: New Joe
Sota: Crede?
Go-go: Si.

Of course! Crede wasn't on the team last year. He didn't see the movie. He's the perfect solution to combat the irrational fear of birds that the rest of the team possesses. He can put their fears to rest, and he did just that last night.

Not only did Crede win the game with an RBI double in the 11th, he also alleviated any lingering ornithophobia that was crippling the rest of the lineup. Although it took him two full games to calm everyone down, I still have to give the man credit. He goes deep against his former team on Friday, and drives home the winning run on Tuesday. New Joe is really starting to prove his worth. And for that, you've earned a Sotalove picture montage. Enjoy!




The Twins are playing as I write this. I'm hoping that Scottie Baker watched the game last night. Otherwise, he may not have gotten over his bird fears. And you all know how scared and fragile Scottie can be.

Lets beat up these birds.

-Sota

Proving to be Loyal

What up world,

So it wasn't the greatest of weekends for the team. After a promising start on Friday night, the ass-bats returning in force on Saturday and Sunday. One run through 18 innings? I'm no expert, but I don't think those are great numbers. Saint Francisco was a little shaky on Saturday, and the bullpen returned to their poopy ways yesterday. The Bitch Sox continued their bitchiness from last season.

However, not all is lost. There are many more battles to come, and help is on its way. Lil Scottie Baker continued his adorable comeback through the minors and there were some initial reports of Mr. Minnesota running in a pool in Florida. Tweens flocked to poolsides throughout the Citrus State in hopes of catching a glimpse of his swollen sacroiliac.

In addition, in the Twins' win on Friday night, something happened that dramatically eased my fears. In the top of the second, Twins' third baseman Joe Crede, crushed a ball into the leftfield bullpen and started rounding the bases. For the first time in his short Twins career, Joe was scoring a run against the team that he had grown up with. In my mind, it was finally official. Crede was a Twin.

Prior to the start of the series, I was getting more and more nervous about his return to the Cell. I had visions of him defecting back to the southside, bringing all of the Twins' secrets with him. By the first pitch, I had convinced myself that he was truly a double agent and was meeting with Ozzie during warmups. He was like a Cuban in reverse, and Ozzie was his Castro. Damn you evil Ozzie, and all of your conniving ways.

But then the possible double agent went out and hit yard. Maybe he met with the Oz and the rest of the team, and didn't like what he saw. A second baseman that looked like Jack from Nightmare Before Christmas.



AJ without his head.

A masturbating left fielder



Maybe Jim Thome, Paul Konerko, and Jermaine Dye looked another year older and a little more crusty. Crede had returned to Cuba to find things much worse than when he left. He saw the promise of playing with a group of scrappy go-getters, and decided to make his decision in the most dramatic way possible.

They may have a bronzed statue dedicated to you, Joe, but can they provide the same loving embrace that we can? You've made the right move. There's nothing but dollar dogs and naked Redmonds in your future.

So, on behalf of Mark, Brent, Dad, and the rest of the readers, I would like to say, "Welcome to the Twins, Joe!"

-Sota

Anger

What up world,

So the first series of the season has come to a close, with a split against the Mariners of Seattle. Seattle!!! What did we ever do to you? We already gave you the Moirs. What more do you want?

There are couple of things that I've noted in the first couple days of the season. Dramatic comebacks are still fun, Jose Morales might not be the long term solution at catcher, Perkins has continued his Perkolator ways from last year, and the ass bats are still very prevalent in our lineup. All of these are discouraging signs from the team, especially at the onset of the season. But, let me remind everyone, there are many, many games left on the schedule.

There is no need to panic. The season is not lost. I will occasionally scan through the comments that are left on the Strib's Twins stories, and there are some irrate fans in the Twinsphere right now. People aren't happy with the players, the management, and with life in general. They are ready to fire-bomb the Dome. I will post some of the comments that I've found and write a brief response to each (reader comments in italics).

Another mediocre pitcher shuts down the Twins, deja vue and all of that. Washburn will probably get hammered his next start and often during the season. Twins are about the same as last year and have the potential to finish 10-12 games above .500. The club appears to have the same hitting in the clutch trouble along with average pitching that they had last year. So more of the same again from the twins in 2009 but fun to watch for the most part.

I will agree that the Twins seem to have trouble with some mediocre pitchers, but so do all clubs. Jarrod Washburn was the pitcher in this game. He's a leftie, which we typically struggle against. He may not be the best pitcher in the game, but he still is prone to throwing well from time to time. Washburn is 34, and was born in....La Crosse, Wisconsin?!?!

That's why he does so well against us. He's a Wisconsinite! It's part of their evil plan to continue to demorolize the great state of Minnesota. He's from Wisconsin, and he pitches for Seattle. There was no way that we could have competed against that.

Also, I wanted to note that the reader's comment on the Twin's clutch hitting struggles from last year are completely unaccurate. The Twins set a record for their batting average with runners in scoring position last season. Ohhh, Face!!! Stats coming at ya!

Here's another:

Seattle Better than Twins???

...or is it more bad management? Once again, two men on, less than two outs, SPAN CANNOT BUNT!!!!

I said it all last year and will continue this year (along with "OMG, i'm so happy we didn't get Beltre, because what's-his-name at 3rd is so much better" Lmao!), THE TWINS WON'T WIN UNLESS MORE GUYS (including Frosty) BUY INTO SMALL BALL. Span should be beating out bunts and purposeful chops (not like the lucky one in game 2). Why am I better than a big league manager? Hmmmm.... maybe it's the steroids.

Every part of this post is confusing to me. The first sentence doesn't make sense. Does the reader want Denard Span to bunt, is he saying that he shouldn't bunt, or is he saying that Span is unable to bunt properly?

The confusion continues into the second paragraph, when he says that the Twins need to buy into small ball. Isn't that all the Twins play? I don't see our hitters lining up to go deep every time. I think that our reputation is generally that of a scrappy, speedy, slap-hitting team. We hit 111 home runs last season, for worst in our division. Worse than the White Sox (235), the Tigers (200), the Indians (171), and the Royals (120). Look at me. I did some research. Stats times 2 bitches!

A couple of other general notes. I think that the reader's "Frosty" is a reference to manager Ron Gardenhire. See comparison below:

It's close, and I kind of like the nickname, however, I think that it would be far more apt to attach this moniker to Don Zimmer.

I'm not even going to address the steriods thing at the close of the comment. Does that make any sense? Is the reader implying that Gardenhire has taken steriods, making him less intelligent, or is the reader implying that he or she has taken steriods, making him or her better at managing a big league club? My brain has melted a bit.

One more:

Bring on those bullies...

Im referring to those bullies from chicago the white Sox of course...

Yes!!! Agreed! Bring on the Bitch Sox. Nothing says summertime like getting fired up for a little beat-down in the Cell. Last year at this time, I could watch the Twins on tv, even though I would have to listen to the inane ramblings of Hawk. Unfortunately, San Diego will not be providing any Twins television coverage this season. I'm not entirely sure that I can make it through a season of exclusively following Twins action through ESPN's gamecast, but I'm going to give it a try.

A season opening sweep of the Mariners would have been amazing, but I'm still happy with a split. We're just getting started on this long and wonderful journey that is 2009. Let's look up and have a little fun with it.

-Sota

Reddog is Back!!!

What up world,

So the excitement of opening day was hampered a bit by the disappointing loss the Twins suffered at the hands of the Mariners. Seattle!!! My frustrations with the city have been carried over from last season (see my previous rants here, and here, and here). Know your role Mariners. First place in your division doesn't suit you, even if Griffey is back in the Pacific Northwest.

So the Twins lost, and as I write this, they are currently down a run in the first inning. I'm upset by this, but have been reminding myself that there are many, many, many more games left to display the amazingness of our team (I'm feeling extra optimistic early on).

So what if Mr. Minnesota has hurt his back? We've got Reddog and Morales backing him up until his sacroiliac joint stops being a swollen jerk, right? Reddog is a 37 year old professional, that has the body of someone who spends the majority of his time in strip clubs and drinking scotch.



Wait, what? What did you say? Reddog pulled his groin last night? How did that happen? Did he drunkenly try to do the splits on stage at the Vu? No? It was during the game?


The Dogg loves the ladies

Crap. So now we've got Jose Morales and his 4 career at-bats behind the plate? More crap. On a brighter note, we've now increased the number of Joe's on the team (counting Spanish Joe's).

Mr. Minnesota - Joe Mauer
Horseface Closer - Joe Nathan
Possible Evil Spy - Joe Crede
Maybe the greatest catcher ever - Jose Morales
Fat's McGee - Jose Mijares

Mijares is actually in the minors, due to his massive stomach, but I have faith that he'll be back at some point. Our evil plan of having an entire roster of Joe's is getting closer to fruition.

I think that I echo the sentiment of all Twins fans out there when I say we need Reddog back. The best solution that I can see, is to send multiple call-girls in his direction to work out the kinks in that groin. While you're at it, send some wholesome farm girls Mr. Minnesota's way. Maybe they can massage the pain out of that sac joint. Send them in waves Twins fans. We need our catchers back.

-Sota

OMG OMG OMG OMG

What up world,

It has happened. The day that we've been waiting for is finally here. After 6 months of disappointments and despair from the Timberwolves and Vikings, hope has revealed its beautiful face once again. No longer will we have to suffer through unfulfilled expectations, horrifying injuries, and general poopiness of our winter professional teams.

It's Spring. The snow is melting, flowers are blooming, and love is in the air. Life has begun once again. Regardless of the events of the next six months, today is the day that offers hope to even the most disparaged fan bases. Their team is tied for first place, summer is on its way, and this could be year that it all comes together.

Whether you are a Twins fan, Brewers fan, or Cubs fan, there is hope. And do you know why? That's right!!!!

It's OPENING DAY!!!!!

Oh Mr Love

What up world,

The Wolves haven't played since Tuesday night, so I didn't think that I was going to have much to write about. I'm still attempting to wait until next week to start to discussing the amazingly cuddly Twins, and I have to ignore the Cutler to Chicago news so that I don't start punching myself in the face. I was stuck, until I came across something amazing in the Strib.

My man, K-Love, is now expanding his mighty talents into the world of cleaning products. Windex beware, Mr. Love glass cleaner has just hit, and it hits hard.



I haven't been this happy with a Youtube video in a while, and I've watched a lot of Youtube. I just received a request from Brent today for some hilarious new videos to watch. Well, here you go Brent. The K-Love point at the end makes the first four minutes well worth it. If I could wipe something down with the Love shammie cloth, I would be a happy man.

By the way, Brian Cardinal's stock just shot waayyy up in my book. While he may be the most expensive custodian in history, I would still pay for his cleaning services. If he was mopping the floor in my bathroom, I would definitely give him a couple of warning shots so that he could finish up, misky style.

-Sota

Local Celebrities

What up world,

One big advantage of having such an awful basketball team this late in the season is that there are plenty of good seats available at home games. The Timberwolves lost by 20 points to the Dallas Mavericks on Tuesday night. Nothing unusual about that. Blowout losses have become the expectation with the Wolves, rather than a cause of concern.

The reason that the game caught my eye was the presence of two local celebrities among the 12,111 people that were reportedly in attendance. These two figures are outstanding citizens in the local community. The work that they've done for the children of the Twin Cities is outstanding.

They are both extremely active in metro-area softball leagues and late-night Rockband sessions. Their dancing styles and love of scotch have caused them to become the ideal role models for young men throughout the state. Can you guess who it was?

That's right! It was none other than Nathan Andrew Lampi and Charles Carmichael Kroenenburg sitting directly behind the Wolves bench on Tuesday. Here is some blurry documentation of the event.



CoacHale would often look to them for advice throughout the contest. Kevin Love asked them whether he could play softball on ice with them next year. Mark Madsen asked if he could be part of the whole "Livin'" movement that was beginning to spread through the street of Eden Prairie. Randy Foye asked whether both of them regretted not attending Apple Valley High School (they both said yes to this).

You never know who you are going to see at a game. It could be Prince, it could be AP, or it could be a deadly combo of Lampi and CK. One can dream.